Love, Loss & Desperation
by Libertine-skins
Summary: AH,AU Edward returns after 5 years of heartbreak. B and E parted for valid reasons but did the love they shared at 19 just disappear? Bella seems to have finally gotten over it, shes happy and she lives with Jake. Will Edward's return change everything?
1. ch1 here comes the anxiety

**Love, Loss and Desperation.**

**A/N: the beginning? I know sorry. I write six chapters then I give up right? Wrong. I have already done the first three of this ff. please READ AND REVIEW it makes me happy.**

Here comes the anxiety. 

My stomach was rumbling by the time Angela called me into her office. I felt so embarrassed entering my boss's office with my stomach making those noises so I stuffed muesli bar in my mouth before I walked in.

"Sit down, thank you Isabella." Great. Serious Angela. Something was not going as well as I thought. I couldn't remember the last it me she had called me into her office at this time of the day, at this time of the week.

Sensing my uneasiness she smiled, it didn't meet her eyes. I tried to smile back, the nerves were building now. Angela was more than a boss. She was a friend, a mentor and the main reason I hadn't just thrown in my English degree and tagged on a teaching degree at the end. Angela had been a tutee at my university, she'd taken my classes outside the lectures and she had refused to let me enroll in teaching. She claimed I was too talented. At the time I had shrugged it off, believing that because of how easily we had clicked outside class she had been blind sighted. Back then, I had been so insecure and Angela's confidence in my writing ability had changed my life. Her support caused me to enroll in journalism and to follow a dream no one else had known about. And now here I was, sitting in her overheated, stuffy, crowded office. Her framed degrees and published articles on display. Together we worked at the local newspaper, though in this town; local meant hundreds of thousands of readers. The published articles I suppose meant little in that sense, except they were published in a better paper. Not our paper. But the god dam Wall Street Journal. Yes, Angela was my idol.

She sighed. I bit my lip. It was a trait she'd noticed the first day I'd met her. I had been eighteen years old. She was twenty. A younger Angela materialized in front of me, the daydream of my first day at University. God I had been so unsure of myself so, cautious. Angela brought me back to the present by pushing her glasses up her noses. "Bells, I hate to say this but..."

"I'm not fired am I?"

"God no!" I breathed a sigh of relief. She gave me an anxious smile. Oh dear god. "Just… well….have you been a bit stressed lately?" I nodded. Stressed, that was the word I suppose. Anxious, scared, frightened to near panic attacks that was more like it.

"Yes… I'm still adjusting to Jake moving in." she smiled again. Angela liked Jake, not as much as someone else. But she liked Jake.

"I remember when you were dating at Uni and god; I was so sure that you were going to marry Edward." My heart stopped beating for the briefest moments. I didn't let myself think about that anymore. I didn't let my mind wonder to happy days, glory days. Instead I kept them on the straight and arrow. Instead I focused on what I had. I focused on Jake.

"Yep I remember the days you mean… so what do you hate to say?" I sounded so business like. So serious. So unlike how I normally interacted with Angela. I hoped she hadn't heard it. Shit. She knew me well, of course she'd heard it. I blushed.

"Oh Bella, I don't mean offensively… I love Jake…it's just funny how times change hey?" I nodded again. She shot me a worried look. I felt guilty. Angela hadn't meant to upset me. I bit my lip.

"Angela, its just I don't like to dwell on that… you know that almost as well as Alice does." We both let off a nervous laugh. Yes, Angela knew almost as much as Alice about how my heart had been severed at nineteen.

"yeah…I'm sorry… ok, so I was asked to have a meeting with you… the head bosses think your work as of late has been lacking something… I don't know what it is Bella, but maybe you need some new Insp-"

"Inspiration." I wanted to confirm what she was saying.

"Correct. And they want you to have a bit of a holi-" I cut her off again.

"I'll work harder. Please I really don't want a holiday." A holiday meant more time at home. More time looking at Jake's things, watching them slowly unpack from boxes. More time contemplating my life. I didn't want that. I needed to focus. I needed to stay attentive. I needed to work.

"Bella, it's not really offered. They want you to take a few weeks off, recharge and come back."

"Oh. It's a forced leave." I sounded surprised. It was hiding the hurt. The panic. The fear.

"Pretty much…oh honey I'm sorry."

"It's fine Ang. Really fine." She nodded and tried to smile. I bit my lip again. I felt like a fool, trying to stop the pressure. Trying to stop the panic coming. Maybe Angela had always been wrong. Maybe I just wasn't cut out for this. Maybe I should have stuck with teaching. I rose from my seat, my back sticking slightly; I cursed myself for wearing death traps on my feet. All I wanted to do was make a quick getaway and they restricted me so much. "See you in four weeks I guess."

"Don't be silly Bells; you and Jake are coming over for that BBQ remember?" I nodded again.

My hand found the door knob. I held my breath. "Don't tell anyone yet Ang."

I didn't turn to face her. I knew what she was going to say. But I needed this. I needed to keep this a secret for a moment. The humiliation, the embarrassment. The…fuck. I couldn't deal with everyone knowing. "Bella I can't really kee-"

"Don't tell anyone please. I need a few days to sort it out. I don't want Jake…or Ben knowing just yet ok?"

"Sure. If that's what you want." She sounded so unsure of herself.

"It is. Thanks."

Jake was taking me out to lunch. I smiled and flicked my hair back. I let him carry my bag; I lied and said I was having a few weeks of working at home. Home. Our home. It still didn't sound right coming from my lips. I'd always thought of it as my home and now it was ours. God, Alice was right, I had a commitment phobia. Well we all knew where that came from. Shit. Twice in one day the unwanted memories came.

Jake took me to the food court at the local shopping centre. He apologized for the choice of venue, something about how it was close to both our offices and he had to run off for a client. I waved his apologies away, he shouldn't have to apologise I mean we had been together for what two and a half years now. I didn't need him to try and impress me. I didn't want him to. He ordered my favourite fried rice and I sat at a table in the middle of the food court. I watched the people walk past. God I was numb. So fucking numb.

"So how's your day been?"

"Good."

"Good? That's all your gonna give me Bells?" I smiled hoping that would keep him quiet. "Ok, well my day has been interesting, can you remember Leah Clearwater?"I nodded slowly; I brought a spoonful of rice to my lips.

"Yeah, from my old high school." Again the 'my' word. It had been 'our' high school. Ours. Why was I so possessive of things? Jake and I had gone to high school together though he had been a year below me and I hadn't really known him that well. It wasn't until after I got back from Uni, after he…after Renée's treatment that I'd met Jake properly.

"Yeah that's right… can you remember who she was dating?"

"Of course, Jake. Sam Unley. Everyone knew about Sam and Leah. They went away to university together didn't they? Last I heard, the two of them were engaged somewhere east."

"correct." He smiled smugly. I was confused.

"The relevance of Leah is? I mean, she was a nice girl, a few years older than me though so I wasn't exactly a blip on her radar."

"Oh she remembers you."

"You saw her?"

"She came into the garage today. She had to get her radiator checked."

"Wow. She knew who you were?" he pretended to be hurt.

"Ouch Bells, I wasn't that forgettable to everyone you know." I rolled my eyes. "I used to catch the res bus with her." Of course, Leah was a reservation kid. Jake too. That was 'their' part of the school. That was them. Not me.

"Well, talk about blast from the past, does she still have long blonde hair? How many kids do her and Sam have? I bet it's at least four. Where do they live now?"

"They aren't married."

"Shit. Really? When's the wedding then?"

"Sam married someone else." I dropped my spoon. I knew my mouth was open in amazement. Jake scrunched up his face in annoyance. Well it wasn't my fault he was telling this story so slowly.

"Oh my god, who did he marry?"

"Emily."

"NO way!" Emily was Leah's cousin. That's all I really knew about her. She'd moved away when I was in the third grade and Leah was in the fifth.

"Yes. She came to stay with Leah and Sam one Christmas and stayed. Leah had to move out a month later. She's not doing to well actually; broken heart and all that. I swear Bella it's the strangest thing I've ever heard. I mean you knew them, you saw them."

I did and I had. They were the couple everyone aspired to be, not the cliché high school sweethearts that cheated on each other when they went away to collage but the real deal. Every single girl at our school wanted to be Leah and date Sam. The boys were the same, Leah was considered the catch of the school and Sam was envied. The fact that they were no longer together didn't seem right. Back in the day everyone had pegged them for being the couple to last the distance. They both had hated our small town; they both had fled as soon as they could. They'd done the semester apart from each other until Sam couldn't take it anymore and transferred to the same Uni as Leah.

"Wow."

"Very much so."

"Anyway, how is she?"

"umm…you can see for yourself." I glanced around the food court. Was she here? I didn't see her though the food court was crowded.

"huh?"

"I hope you don't mind, Bells but I actually asked her over on the weekend."

"No Jake that's fine. It will be a bit strange seeing her but yeah that's good."

"Was I a good enough distraction for whets troubling you then?" I grinned, he folded his hands over on the table and leant over and kissed me. Pulling back a bit he was chuckling. "Good to see." I scrunched my nose up at him. Typical Jake.

Perhaps it was because I was still subconsciously looking for Leah Clearwater. Perhaps it was because his arrogance ticked me off. But whatever the reason, I glanced past him. I looked over his shoulder.

It wasn't much. A brief glimpse of hair. _His hair._ My stomach dropped from beneath me. My heart thumped. My breath became shallower. Shit. I hadn't allowed myself to think about him for so long and now I was _sure_ that was him. It was Angela's fault bring him back into my conscious. Back into my head. Back into my life. I arched my head around the table. Maybe it had been my fault thinking about him for a few seconds. Maybe the power of my thought had brought him here. The food on my plate was suddenly less appealing. The noise of the food court silenced. Jake's presence void. My breathing still an issue. It was like my chest weighed one hundred kilograms. It felt too heavy to hold up. It can't be him. It just can't. Alice would have said. I wiped the sweat off my brow that had formed. All I could hear was his final words before he'd gone. Salvia built up in my mouth and I made deep swallows. Jake tipped his bottle of coke in my direction. Words forming on his lips. Slow motioned. I couldn't read them. I jerked away from the table. My feet planting firmly on the ground. I had to know. I didn't know why he'd be back but I had to know.

The owner of the hair turned his head slightly. I saw the chin. I saw the briefest speck of eyes. I gasped. Fuck it was him. I felt Jake's eyes on me. I preyed he couldn't see the tears. I bit them back, almost bringing blood to my lip. He wasn't alone though. I couldn't ignore the overwhelming sense of disappointment. It clouded my mind, clogged my other emotions. I let out a whimpering sound. Fuck. It wasn't meant to be like this. She had long blonde hair, I tried to delude myself and say it was Rosalie but I knew her natural blondeness. This ladies hair was scraggy brown, dyed. She was gorgeous. I could see more of her face than his; she had plump bright red lips that begged to be kissed. Her fringe framed her face perfectly. They looked good together. He was leaning towards her. I couldn't breathe. It was meant to feel nice, I had someone and he had someone. But it didn't feel nice. It felt horrible. I wanted to march over and rip her hair out of her head and scream childish insults. I wanted to fine a giant permanent marker and write 'mine,' over his forehead. I tried to remind myself he wasn't mine, it didn't work. He wasn't meant to leave me in such a state. I felt drained. It had been five years and I still acted like a moron when there was even a hint of him. It was disgusting. I sat back down, disgruntled with myself.

"Bella…Bella are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost." Not a ghost, but a living breathing memory.

"I'm fine Jake."

"Seriously?" I didn't need him questioning me now. I was losing sight of reality. I was battling with what my mind was trying to show me. Our memories together.

I snapped. "Jake. It was nothing." I warned him as much as I warned myself. I stood up and was going to storm away but I knew I would end up at his table. I knew my feet would walk that direction unintentionally. I tried to keep my eyes away from that end of the food court but like a magnet I couldn't stop staring. I tried to calm my breathing. Jake rushed to my side. I wanted to apologise. I wanted to explain. I wanted him to leave me alone. I wanted to see Edward properly. I wanted to still have my job. I wanted my world to not be crumbling.

"Come on, let's go home."

I wanted it to be my home.


	2. ch 2 Moving to new york

Ch2 - Moving to New York.

I waited until Jake left for work the next morning. I lay floundering on the bed and smiled up at him, he gave me a kiss on the cheek and out he went.

My fingers pounced on the phone. My fingers shook a little as I dialed. What was wrong with me? Today seemed like the day I would be getting answers, why was I suddenly nervous?

She answered on the fifth ring. "Alice."

"Good morning Bella! It's early for you to be awake isn't it?" she always sounded so chipper.

I sighed. "Hey, are you home?" I bit my finger. Please be home. Please be home. Please be home. I don't know what else you she would be doing at, 8-50 in the morning but with Alice you never knew.

"Yes, I am home. Jasper is too, thanks for asking…by the way I need you to help me organize the last of the wedding invi-"

"I'll be over in ten."I couldn't listen to her slow chatter. I needed to see her face to face and I needed to ask her.

"Jeez, don't you sound delightful."

"Ten minutes Alice." I could practically hear her nodding on the phone as I slammed it shut. God. I rolled over and muffled my screams into the pillow. Was I becoming paranoid? Did I really need to confirm this with Alice? It seemed so ridiculous in the light of day that for half the night I had tossed and turned because of the briefest glimmer of someone hair. Someone's jaw. And now after getting off the phone with Al, I was sure it was a sign. Now I was sure Edward was back and Alice just hadn't told me yet. I could feel it in my heart and I hated how I was almost excited. I hated the slight guilt I had for not saying anything to Jake.

I never knocked on Alice and Jasper's door. They never heard it anyway and thanks to some shifty locks at university, I'd seen pretty much everything.

"Hey Bella." thank god, Jasper was clothed and sitting on the couch flickering through the channels. I slummed down next to him. He stopped the channel flicking on some morning television show.

"Hey Jazz, it's been a while hasn't it?"

"Yeah sure has. Alice said you moved in with Jake so how's that going?" he turned his head to gauge my reaction. I kept my face neutral.

"Jake moved in with me…but yeah that's fine." Jasper smiled. He'd always had that calming affect on me. I needed it now, especially when I planned on confronting Alice. The human bouncing ball. Like a light bulb manually clicking on. I realised, maybe I didn't need to confront Alice, Jasper would know. I fidgeted with the bracelet my father had given me. "So, heard from your sister as of late?" his neck snapped to my face. His eyes gazing into mine, trying to work out my motive.

"Yes I have. I saw her last week." Each word was spoken cautiously, slowly.

I could tell he was trying to gauge my mood. He was afraid of how I was going to react. It made me feel sicker. Something was up and he knew it. Rosalie was Jaspers twin sister. She worked in the film industry and occasionally I had seen her popping up in films I had to review for the paper. I hadn't talked about Rosalie in five years. There had been no need to. Rosalie had always disliked me for some reason so we hadn't really had much of a friendship. Besides, Rosalie was undoubtedly the most attractive woman I had ever seen. She commanded the room wherever she went. She captivated every male's fantasies just by walking past them. Yes, Rosalie and I were nothing alike. What was the reason for me bringing it up now? Rosalie's husband, Emmett was Edward's best friend. If Jasper had seen Rosalie, Edward had most indubitably been discussed. At uni, Emmett, Edward and Jasper had been inseparable.

"Oh she's here in New York?" I pretended to act surprised.

"yes." Shit. I could tell my Jasper's tone that he hadn't bought it and I could tell he was peeved that I was trying to hide my motives.

"Did anyone come with her?"

"Yes."

"Is Emmett with her?" I already knew. I knew the answer the moment he had said he'd seen her. Jasper was very good at controlling his emotions, but the longing in his voice wasn't far away. Alice had moved to New York to help me. And while Jasper would follow Alice to the end of the earth; it didn't stop him missing his 'boys.' It didn't stop him contacting them. Any associated friends of Edward aside from jasper, Alice and Angela I had disassociated myself from when I'd left. It became too hard, too many memories, too many explanations, too many shocks. Yes Edward and I were not together anymore. No I don't want to talk about it. No I don't want your sympathy. No I don't want your phone number. The conversations were repeated over and over like a broken record. So I cut myself off, Jasper respected that and rarely mentioned anyone. Alice was the same. And then I'd met Jake and he helped me drown those memories, he helped me meet new people, forged different memories.

"No, he's getting here in a week." I smirked. His eyes narrowed.

"Oh, so she's with someone else?" I kept up the façade. I knew he could see right through me. I wanted to ask, did she come with Edward but I was too much of a coward to ask directly.

"yes." His voice became smaller. His face became pale.

"Oh…. Who?" Jasper's face paled further. He looked like he was going to be sick. His eyes locked onto the television as though this early morning show was the most interesting thing he'd ever seen. If I didn't know Jasper that well, I would have sworn he was intrigued in whatever foot care product they were trying to sell. I didn't show any expression as I watched Jasper. I could hear the lady declare the product was "only four simple payments of $59.99," before an ad break came. That split second of silence between ads overwhelmed me.

He sighed. "Alice will kill me." he was right I though smugly, she would kill him if he told me something, she had deliberately kept a secret but I didn't care what relationship dramas I would be causing. I needed to know for sure that Edward was in town. The pressure I put on this weird connection thing we had made me feel guilty.

"I will kill you if you don't tell me. He is here in New York isn't he?" I didn't need to elaborate.

"Bella, I can't. You're both my best friends."

"I'll take that as a yes."

"You better not." I couldn't help how angry I felt. I didn't need this from Jasper. I needed him to tell me Edward was in town. Suddenly it was all I needed to know.

"What does that mean?"

Alice waltzed through the kitchen room door and into the lounge. She smiled brightly at me and I tried to grin back. She was dressed too the nines as usual and I felt frumpish in front of her wearing jeans and a shirt. She took one look at me and gave Jasper her pissed off look.

Her hands swung to her hips. "What did you tell her?" She snapped. I felt momentarily guilty for causing Jasper to be on the receiving end of that voice. He shrugged and went back to watching the infomercials.

Like with me, he pretended it captivated his attention. Finally he squeaked. "Nothing."

She didn't buy it. She gave him one final glare before directing her death stare at me. I glared back, I was pissed that she hadn't said anything. "Bella?"

"Oh hello Alice."

I could see the panic settling across her face. "He is here for the weekend Bella."Jasper muttered something about the newspaper before he grabbed his jacket and practically pounced on the door.

"Who are you talking about Alice?"

"You know exactly who I mean. Don't you dare pretend to me that you don't know. You can feel he is here." She sat in the chair opposite me. I switched the television off. Suddenly in their lounge room, in the quiet of the apartment I felt small. Scared. A child again. No, I felt like I was 19 again. My eyes traced the outline of my shoes on their carpet.

"Why is he here?" I heard her take in a deep breathe. I didn't look up, I didn't give her the satisfaction of working how hard I was hurting; of how much hearing his name caused my world to flip upside down.

"I don't want to tell you." I didn't look up. I held my breathe.

"Alice. Please, I just need to know."

"Jake needs to know about him." she said it as a warning. No other meaning was clear. I bit the side of my cheek.

"I know. I will tell him eventually."

"Bella. "

"Please Alice. Why is he here?"

"He told you he'd find you again." His words rung in my ears. His kisses marked my face. I gritted my jaw.

"I didn't want to believe him."

"I know. It's the truth though; he was here to see you. He came here first and I told him how happy you are with Jake, I told him your career is going well and so he decided to go home."

"I guess I should be thankful." I didn't numb the disappointment.

"Jesus Bella and you claim we're best friends…of course I didn't tell him that." Hope exploded. Fuck.

"What did you tell him?" I sounded like that 19 year old again. I sounded so fucking unsure of myself.

"Bella, you're my best friend and I love you but do you really want to bring it all back up? I know Edward was more than a crush to you but you're happy with Jacob, not just fake happy but deep down, ready to settle happy."

"I just need to know Alice."

"Why?" finally I looked her in the eye. Finally I let her see what I was feeling. She gasped.

"Because it's Edward alright. That's why. You know it and I know it. If it was any other guy from my past he'd be forgotten in a second. But not Edward and you fucking know it. Now tell me what you said please."

"I told him the truth."

"Which is?"

"You're coping." I was pissed off. I didn't want to have him think he had left me and I had become a depleted sole. I was independent.

"Fuck Alice. I am more than coping. I am living with a guy who loves me! I am planning a future trip; I have a job I love. Why didn't you tell him any of that?"

"What did you expect me to say? Bella is fine Edward, she is living with someone who is not you, she barely talks to me anymore, she hates her job but don't worry she's fine. Did you want me to lie? He is my friend too Bella, he left me too and while he speaks to Jasper, to see him, to fucking hug him." I bit back the sob. Don't talk about hugging him please Alice.

"So you told him I was coping?"

"You really hate your job?" did I want to tell her? Explain that she would be seeing me a lot more lately because I was a failure? Did I want to tell Alice that? She looked at me so disappointed in herself, so upset because I hadn't told her that. I didn't want her to feel guilty because it had gotten so bad.

"I don't hate it Alice. I just...its work."

"You didn't use to think it was work." I hated lying. I was the worst liar. I'd done psychology in my first year as a bludge subject, the one thing I had learnt that entire year was that in general conversation everyone lies on average three times for every ten minutes of conversation. I didn't do that. There was no point, everyone would no anyway. But something in the way I stared Alice down made her reconsider accosting me.

"I need a change I guess."

"Yeah, we all do. Bella, what are you going to do?"

"What am I meant to do?" I needed her guidance. The floor became interesting again. I wanted her to tell me what to do; I wanted her to decide for me. Make the decisions like she normally did when we shopped. I wanted her to take complete control. That's what I wanted.

"Go home, speak to Jake, love Jake, and forget Edward exists."

"I suppose." I couldn't ignore the whirling feeling in my gut. It kept creeping up when I thought about this scenario it kept snapping what ifs at me. I swallowed them as Alice continued.

"Or go home, fight with Jake and chase Edward back to Chicago." Chicago. He was in Chicago. He was 1144.97 kilometers away. North west. He was 13 hours and 9 minutes away in good traffic. I could get there before tomorrow lunch if I left right now.

"He's really gone home?"

She gasped. Her hands flung to cover her open mouth. "Fuck. You're considering it?"

"No." of course Alice, this is Edward.

"He is still in New York. He is looking for a place to rent." I blinked. What? She had just said he was in Chicago and now he was staying in New York. He was still here. rent. Place. Rent? He was moving here? for how long? Indefinitely? Why?

"He's moving here?"

"Yes. He heard…he thought you loved your job here so he got a hospital transfer." Shit. He moved to New York to be with me. He hadn't spoken to me in five years and he moved states to be with me. What about the blonde though? What about her? The dyed blonde with the plumped up red lips? What about her?

"Do you think I should have waited?" I sounded like a teenager questioning whether I should go on that date or not. Alice shot me her puppy dog eyes and I had a moment of flash backs. I wanted her to help me sort it out. Sort what out Bella? You have Jake. He loves you. Your job sucks at the moment but who cares. It was like I wanted to try and chase a dream, a crazy, realistic dream but one never less.

"You know exactly what I think Bella." She thought we should never have broken up, she held me accountable. She hated how I had accepted his decision. But I remembered those days, if I let myself. The way she cried when I cried, the way she tried to sooth my heart break, the way she slept in my bed every night so I could adjust for months, the way she came half way across the country with me to look after my mum in her therapy. I knew all that. The pain I had, she had tried to take from me. Jake had tried to rebuild me but Alice, she had laid the foundations. But it still wasn't the same, she hadn't really _felt_ what I'd felt as much as she'd tried. Jasper and her were engaged. She was getting her happily ever after.

And so are you Bella. Just with Jake not Edward.

"Ok, enough serious talk I think its time we go shopping because seriously Bella, what are you wearing?" I laughed.

"The first thing I found on the floor."

"I guessed."

"You are just so funny."

"Hang on… why aren't you at work?" the dreaded feeling. The pressure built up. I didn't want her to know. Not now. Not like this.

"I'm working at home for the next month or so."

"Great! We can go shopping now then."

"Sure thing sparkie lets go." My sarcasm caused her to laugh.


	3. ch3 Lost in the post

Ch 3 -Lost in the post

**A/N: I hope it's up to standard?**

I'd been 19.

Edward had been my world. No, more than that.

Our entire lives had revolved around each other, when I met him it was like everything I'd ever lived before had been a prelude to meeting him. I felt it deep down in my bones; I'd gone to my small school, I'd worn my daggy clothing, I'd become a coffee addict. That was meant to happen. So I would want to leave Forks, I'd want to go to a bigger university. Alice, the budding fashion designer would see me, she would scoot be around like arm candy at all those ridiculous parties, all those crazy shopping adventures. She would become my best friend and I was meant to find solace in an empty coffee shop. I would hide from her in this particular coffee retreat and because of all this, I would meet him. He was meant to be the boy I spilled my coffee on, he was meant to be the boy I bumped into the following day. He was meant to be the one human I would fall utterly and completely in love with from the first moment.

He was meant to be my life from then on and I, in his. We had been something of a fairy tale. Something of a dream. My first boyfriend outside of my high school. My first true kiss, my first real love, my first of many things. Of course, my parents dismissed it and claimed it was a cliché romance. We had claimed it was more. I remember taking him home once to meet my father, he'd scoffed at me, laughed even, told me of tales when he and my mother were still together, still in love. Edward didn't mind. His parents were the same, though more conventional with their acceptance. "You're so young," and "don't rush you've got the rest of your lives," were constant diner topics. We stood firm, we thought we were lucky, it hurt me now, to remember how we laughed at all those unfortunate souls who spent their lives searching for the love we had found at 19 and 23.

Back then, I honest to god, felt ill if it went more than two days without him. He always called me, even if he was going to be five minutes late. I needed him and he needed me. I was always calmed in his presence. I always had the overwhelming sense to put his needs before mine. I could prevent his anxiety attacks with a look, I could prevent him fighting, and I could inspire his music. We were each others other half. And unlike Alice and Jasper we weren't afraid of it. We didn't run when people talked of us and marriage, Edward would grab my hand and smile, "one day soon." He spoke of our children. Our house. Our life together. And I wasn't scared, not like now. With Edward, it wasn't, if we get married we can buy that car, but _when. _He was going to be a surgeon and I, a world famous author. We practically lived together in harmony the last year of my course. We didn't dare spend a night apart it was too painful. He told me he loved me and I knew that without a doubt, I would spend the rest of my life with him. I didn't need anything else. We were independent but we were only fully whole together. And I didn't want anything else. He was all mine and that was all I needed. That was all we needed.

And then, we burnt our lives down. We crashed. We annihilated the bond we had.

Tragedy strikes in threes. His parents died in a car accident. My mother developed cancer. We couldn't deal. Threes. In that order. At the time, a failure on my assignment was the third tragedy. Then it became his unaccepted residency position. I was wrong. What I had hoped would bring us closer seemed to keep us apart. I tried to huddle close to him. Help him deal. He tried to comfort me. But I could feel a wall building. We didn't acknowledge it. We got comfortable in knowing we were there. We got comfortable in the need for each other. I said I love you. He said I love you too. And we did. But being surrounded by his grief, by the feelings of so much death, my positive attitude fell. My mother had cancer and I needed to be strong, I didn't need to hear statistics of car accidents. And being so close to a burning candle of hope, devastated him, it crippled our love. We flinched away from each other. And it fucking hurt.

Standing in my own apartment five years later, I thought back to that day when we had gone separate ways. When my life had been severed. When I had become broken.

The airport was deserted. I suppose a 6am flight on a Monday morning would do that. Alice and I had sat in silence during the car ride, the only noise emitting came from the heavy pelt of the rain on the car and the wipers occasionally making there swish noise. I was flying to my mothers; I was going to be her rock during chemotherapy. But it felt wrong to be leaving like this. Wrong to be contemplating boarding a plane to look after my mother when I had no idea what was happening with Edward. It felt wrong to have woken up without Edward lying next to me. The pain in my chest due to the empty bed still clung onto me. Deepening my depression. Alice gripped my hand, trying desperately to bring me back to the present.

"Bella, everything will be fine. Maybe not now but eventually." I knew her smile was fake. It was her attempt to make me happy. It was her attempt to make up for the lack of goodbyes I was receiving. She was trying to be my group. Trying to fill the void of Edward, of Jasper, of my father. It wasn't working. But I was not ungrateful so I tried my best to smile back. I tried my best to make my voice sound optimistic.

"Thank you Alice." Her name caught on my tongue. My throat was restricting. Was it wrong for me to be so selfish when my mother was in a time of need? Was it wrong for me to be clenching my jaw so tightly I was giving myself a headache just so the pain of no Edward would go away? I knew he loved me. He told me he loved me. But he wasn't here. I didn't think it was possible for him not to come. I didn't think he could fail me.

"Flight number 223 now boarding. Can all passengers seated in rows A to M please have their boarding passes ready and enter the plane."

"I guess that's your plane then."

"I guess so."

"I'm sorry Bella." The tears filled my eyes as Alice hugged me. She wasn't talking about my mother's cancer. She wasn't talking about the fight we'd had. She wasn't talking about Elizabeth and Ed seniors deaths. She wasn't talking about me. She was talking about the mess I had gotten myself into. The fights with Charlie. The fights with her and the drama with Edward. The anger I had for all of them. I sighed and hugged her tighter in response. When I pulled back her face was glistening with tears as well. I wanted to comfort her but I knew it would only make things worse. I doubted there was any cure.

"Finally." She muttered. I glanced up at her, she met my eyes with a look of pity and I felt a cloud of fear wash over me. She merely gestured behind me. Alice gave me one final hug before walking back down the corridor. So that was my final goodbye. I bit my lip. I knew Edward was behind me. But I didn't know how to deal with it. I think I didn't want to. Finally I gave in.

My eyes adjusting to him in front of me. He looked nervous again. "I wasn't going to come."

"Then why did you?" I was whispering. I was watching him so intently, trying to guess where this was going. Subconsciously, I was memorising every detail that made him Edward. The way his hair sagged when he ran his hand through it. The way his eyes flickered with different colours in certain lights. The way his voice soothed me and caused Goosebumps to appear on my arms at the same time. I was memorising so well I didn't digest what he had said. When I did. I froze. My eyes flashed back to his. Panic overwhelmed every sense I had.

"Because I decided." He whispered back. I didn't like how the silence between us was affecting the way we spoke to each other. I wanted to shout.

I tried to raise the volume of my voice but all it resulted in was a greater nervous shake in my voice. I tried to cough the fear away. "Decided?"

It didn't work. "What I am about to do is the hardest thing I have ever done."

"What are you about to do Edward?" the hysteria had seeped in now. I knew where this was going.

"I can't do this to you. Save yourself now. I love you so much Bella that I cant breathe properly. But I need you to hold on. I need you to let me go. I don't think I have the strength to let you, on my own. I don't think I am strong enough. I can't have all this sadness for my parents and the love for you. It's not right." He took a step towards me. I didn't think it was possible for the room to have spun away from me. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be real. "But I have fucked up so much. And I don't…I can't have you live through it all. I know we would last. I know we could make it though. But in five years, you might realise it was all for nothing. Nothing can be done to erase the fucked up shit I need to repair. I need to mourn their deaths. I need to learn how to deal with saying I am an orphan. It's sad isn't it? At twenty years old and I am now an orphan. I still think of myself as their little boy and they're not here. And I hate it. And I shouldn't but I can't stop thinking that. The self-inflicted hatred I would throw at you. If we stay together I won't recover. Because of how I feel, I can't do that to you. I can't let you see how low I'm going to become. You have to be positive for your mother and … My moods are not going to help." His ramblings were suddenly making sense. I knew horror was washing over my face.

I broke out in a strange sob. It came out very strangled. The sound echoed in my head. I gripped his t-shirt, dragging him as close to be as I could. My arms wrapped around him, begging him not to do what I knew he was going to. "No. you can't leave me." A sad smile filled his face. One that made that hidden battle hide in his eyes. One that made my knees weaker. I tried to hold on. I tried to stay strong. I needed to know it wasn't happening. He silenced my unspoken thoughts with the most passion filled kiss I had ever experienced. His lips were so soft. I could feel what he meant. My body ached up into his and it reminded me of our first kiss. He didn't want me to love him through all his issues. He didn't think he was worth it. I knew he was wrong. I knew I could stand it. I couldn't be without him. It would kill me. I was the first to pull back. "Edward, you are worth every fight we have."

"Bells. I couldn't live with myself if I selfishly expected you to stay with me now ok? I need to fix my fucking life up so that I can look at you without feeling inferior. I need you to help your mother because she is more important right now alright?"

"I don't think you're inf-"

"Isabella, I love you so much that one day I will find you again and we will get married... don't for one second think it's my way out of that promise… I love you so fucking much that I have to marry you. But now, right now; I am not worth it. So I need you to get on that plane. I need you to live your life. Look after your mother. And then, once I am sorted. Once I can protect you from everything in the world. Then I won't be this selfish bastard. I will treat you right. I promise you this, I wont go my while life without you. I promise you that part of my selfishness will stay. I wish I could be what you need now. I wish I could help you find the strength for your mother; it kills me that I can't be there. It kills me that you have to fight this on your own. And I hope you forgive me for that, I hope you realise I don't ever want to hate you for not allowing me to mourn. One day, I will find you."

"Edward I do-"

"No Bella. I need you to do this for me. Please."

His pleading made me realise. If I had been me five months ago I would have fallen to my insecurities and believed Edward didn't want me anymore. But looking into his eyes I saw how much he loved me. I saw how much he felt like his heart was being ripped out. He needed me to be strong so he could do this for himself. He needed me, to help him. Not the way I wanted to help, not the being there. Not through the pain. I knew Edward. I'd known him better than any other person. I knew him but I still had expected him to drop this one wall without thought. I knew Edward mourned in private. I knew he hated showing me a weakness. He needed to deal with things on his own and I had thought, no maybe I had strongly hoped, just this once, he'd let me help him. But he didn't want any of his issues to manifest in petty arguments where we ended up hurting each other more. I couldn't help the tears that were building. I tried to blink them away. I needed to live these moments. I needed to stop it happening. As suddenly as the tears came, the realisation shot through me. We were parting now because we were too young. Too lost. Too naïve. But this wasn't the end. I couldn't have these feelings and think it was the end. I couldn't have someone in my life like Edward and have it result in nothing. He was right. One day we would be married and if he needed to fix himself so it could happen sooner. If he needed me to break away so he could come back. I would.

"I love you Edward." He grinned. The smile didn't reach his eyes because like mine they were red. Like mine they were watering. Edward Masen was crying because he was saying goodbye to me in an airport. His hands cupped my cheek. His breathing slowed. He knew I was accepting his decision.

"Fuck, Bella I love you more than anything." He brushed my tears away with his fingers and I stifled a sob. He lent in to kiss me and it was soft. Loving. Achingly sad. Again. But this time requested I was the first to pull away. I saw him bite his bottom lip. I saw the pain in his eyes as I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder. I felt his hands grip onto mine. I saw the internal struggle. I gave him one final squeeze of the hand before I dropped his. I turned my back just as my final sob rose.

I was leaving him. I was the one departing. But only because he needed me to.

Reality in five years hadn't changed. I knew it hadn't been a "first love," what Edward and I had, it still ached. Jake was different. There was no real ache. But Jake was here. He had stayed. Edward and I, we'd been young, we had thought like little children that running and hiding from problems caused them to not exist. Or perhaps Edward being the more mature one, believed divide and conquer. The diagnosis, the deaths and the break up was the darkest moments of my life; they were the beginnings of what I had thought was the end. It had taken Alice and Jake to an extent, to get me to realise; life wasn't over before I hit 20. The deaths had been a tragedy, the cancer was a challenge Renee and I had over come and the break up? It had been like amputating an arm because of a scratch. It had been extreme and those feelings weren't going to just go away. God knows I'd tried.


	4. ch4 Tales of Girls, Boys & Marsupials

Chapter 4 – Tales of Girls, Boys and Marsupials. 

His hands were so cold against the heat of my body.

He was breathing just as heavily now, my hands fumbled down to his belt buckle. He broke our kiss to pull his t-shirt over his head quickly. I pouted at him slightly. His muscular chest I'd seen numerous times before but it still managed to momentarily dazzle me. He blatantly laughed with arrogance when he noticed my reaction and I blushed. His lips moved down my neck, kissing the spots he knew caused a reaction. Again I arched up towards him, wanting his touch to speed up, wanting his skin to be pressed against mine. I grabbed his head and forcefully caught his mouth with mine. I rolled him over and sat up. His face shocked. I smirked as I realized I was now out of his reach, straddling him I lifted my shirt off. Embarrassment flushed to my face, I had never been this dominating before. I saw his eyes fill with lust and I felt every inch of him move underneath me.

"Bella," He moaned silently.

"Bella….Bella…Wake up." This voice sounded different. Urgent. My arm was being shaken; someone was trying to wake me. Wait. That meant, it had been a dream? The need was pulsing, no, humming away in my body. My legs rubbed against each other. I opened my eyes. Fuck. Jake pulled his arm around me. He grinned lazily "thank god it's the weekend ey?" I tried to swallow. Tried to forget the feeling of Edward's body. Tried to slow my breathing. Jake kissed me on the mouth and I bit back the feeling to scream. "I'd love to stay in bed all day with you Bells." He kissed up and down my neck. The feelings in my body sped into overdrive; the dream combined with Jake's kisses caused the heat to rise in the bed. I kissed him back feverishly. "But I promised Leah we would meet her at the shops. She needs to get a few parts for her car and I said I'd help her out." I pouted. Fuck. No relief here. "Hey, whose Edward?" my heart stopped beating. Why was Jake asking who Edward was? How had Jake heard that name? I have never spoken about him. I had never hinted. Where the fuck had he gotten that name from?

"Why?" my voice was low, still fucking aroused from the memory that had manifested itself in my dream.

"You were saying his name a few times in your sleep." Shit. I hoped I hadn't been moaning.

"He's a friend." I fiddled with the buttons on the doona cover. This was the perfect opportunity to explain everything. Why the fuck wasn't I?

"Ok cool. You were sounded a bit stressed last night when you were saying his name but that's cool."

"He's just a friend Jake. Like Leah."

"Leah? What the hell has Leah got to do with anything?"

"Nothing. Just nothing alright."

"Bella?" he sat up in bed now. Clearly I was freaking him out.

"It's like... No Jake its fine. Ok." he didn't buy it. He knew me too well. I wanted to crush the guilty feelings. Why couldn't I explain to Jake that Edward was someone from my past who I cared for? That's all I had to say. I still care for him Jake. I loved him once, it ended too early and now, I care for him. I wanted to tell him like it was a warning, but I didn't think it was.

"What's it like?"

I snapped. Why couldn't he drop it? Why couldn't I explain? I sat up this time and swung my legs out of the bed. "On a scale or something?"

"No. like who is he like?"

"Well it becomes like….It's Leah Clearwater and I'm Sam."

"Fuck!" the vein in his temple throbbed. I could see the anger simmering in his eyes. I stood up and slowly began getting dressed. I'd have a shower later. I didn't have the heart to tell him, my head and heart were running a million miles and hour and I didn't know who Leah was in this scenario. Was it Edward or was it Jake?

"yeah. So…That's why I thought I should tell you about him…"

"Very courteous Bella, so now I have to spend the rest of the weekend freaking out about this Edward guy?" he sounded really pissed off though I knew him well and I could hear the subtle ache to his sarcasm.

"NO! You don't have to worry about him…I just thought… he just moved to New York."

"You're fucking kidding me?"

"No, I'm not. I haven't seen him since we broke up."

"I'm guessing he was the university boyfriend?"

"Yep."

"And when did you find out he was back?"

"Jasper confirmed it for me yesterday."

"Jasper?"

"Yes…you know Alice's fiancé?"

"I know who Jasper fucking is Bella. I'm not stupid…or maybe I am?"

"What does that mean?"

"Do you honestly think I believe you didn't know he was coming back?"

"Yes. You should believe that because I didn't know."

"The first boy you ever loved returns to your life and you "didn't know."

"Correct."

"Who do you think I am Bella?" He wanted me to say fool, but I knew we were reaching a slippery slope of angry rants. Half the shit he was saying was only fuelled by the lack of information I had given him surrounding my university life. I hadn't wanted Jake to know the full extent of my life before him. I hadn't wanted him to know Edward and I were practically engaged.

"My boyfriend. The man I fucking live with."

"But not the man you love right?"

"Jake."

"I bet you said it to him."

"I have issues that's all."

"Issues?" his voice broke. It was bloody painful to hear. He couldn't understand why I couldn't say the three words. I. love. You. I couldn't say them to his face, he knew I loved him. He could feel I loved him. I showed that to him by moving in but I couldn't say it to him. I couldn't get passed the memory of Edward's lopsided grin when I told him. I couldn't move on from that. I needed fucking time.

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are….Bells I know I have no right to be jealous or anything but please, please can you stay away from Edward for a bit?" I nodded. I had no intention of seeing Edward anytime soon. I couldn't be sure how I would react. And I didn't want to fuck up anything I'd built with Jake. Again I nodded. He smiled and jumped from our bed running to have a shower before we hit the shops.

***

"Can you remember that Iz?" Leah had taken to calling me Izzie. I despised the name but every time I tried to correct she'd shrug apologise and then forget two seconds later.

"I really can't Leah. But it sure sounds like something Jake would do!" I was bent over laughing; Leah had just filled me in on the Res. Bus antics, mainly Jake's involvement installing the bus hierarchy. It was the fourth story Leah had told me this afternoon about Jake pretending to be the alpha male amongst kids three years older. Each one had been equally as funny and had left Jake bright red and dejected.

He slung his arm over my shoulder and kissed my cheek. I cringed when I saw how uncomfortable Leah was at our affections. I shrugged his shoulder off and Jake gave me a look, I gestured towards Leah and he nodded in realization.

She coughed drawing my attention to her pissed off face. "Guys, I am not made of glass."

"I know Leah, its just…"

"I understand and thanks Izzie, you guys are…it's been good having a connection with the past again yeah?" I nodded knowing exactly what she meant. "So tell me, how close are you guys now? I don't see any wedding rings do I?" she grabbed my hand and turned it over. There was no ring and I rolled my eyes before I glanced up to answer and my mouth dropped in shock. I stood frozen.

Edward stood, three meters away, facing me. I could tell by the look on his face that he had heard Leah. I swallowed. Jake oblivious chattered on to Leah about how we were taking it slow. I was stuck locked into Edward's eyes. They had always captivated me. His jaw was clenched in frustration or sadness. I couldn't tell and he had heavy shadows under his eyes that hadn't been there five years ago. He cleared his throat and spun around on the spot. I watched him walk towards the doors.

I wanted to throw up. I wanted to speak to him. I wanted to fucking throw up. I wanted to run away.

"I need a bit of air alright guys? Plus I know absolutely nothing about car parts, so you guys buy that now and then I'll catch up."

"Its true Leah, she has absolutely no idea." I laughed at his response. It sounded so fake and unsettled in my ears, that I expected them to question if I was alright, they didn't.

My feet were heavy. My heart hurt. Each step echoed in my head. I realised less than 3 hours after promising Jake I wasn't going to do this, I was.

He was leaning against the window next to the operating doors. His black shirt rolled up on the sleeves. His jeans cut nicely. God, he had always been good looking but now it was like deliberate poses. Deliberate modeling. His hair was its usual disheveled mess, the way I had always liked it, the way I had always fantasized it. I wondered if he could feel my presence like I could his. I was drawn to where he stood, my feet literally dragged in his direction. I tried to pull back. I didn't want our reunion to be all hello Edward, how are you, oh Bella, queue the awkward hugs. No I wanted our reunion to me like no time had passed. Like the airport hadn't happened. I didn't want to think about what he had just heard. I didn't want to think about the pain that appeared on his face, the way his hands had curled into fists. The way my heart had thumped and I felt the urge to jump on him and kiss him senseless.

I was still watching, deciding how to approach him. When he did something completely un-Edward, he pulled out a smoke and pouting his lips, he placed it between his teeth. I watched in amazement as he pattered down his pockets looking for a lighter. It looked wrong. Edward didn't smoke.

"Kind of ironic isn't it? The doctor smoking." Without looking away the edges of his lips tipped up. He inhaled and exhaled before turning towards me. Good. He didn't want the awkward greeting either. And yes, he had known I was there. He hadn't flinched at the sound of my voice.

"A habit I picked up during my residency, I needed something to calm the nerves." I felt like he was going to say more but instead he turned back towards the car park. He took another drag and I was mesmorised by how sensual he looked. His eyes were watching the roads, looking for something. I knew what he'd been about to say. I had always calmed him when he freaked out. And because I hadn't been there, he had started smoking. I almost felt guilty. "So, what do I call you these days?" my heart stopped. Ex-girlfriend? Ex-fiancé? Ex-soul mate? Unfinished business? How the hell was I meant to know? What did I call Edward? Confusion clouded my mind until Edward side glanced at me, he chuckled. His laugh catapulting a million memories to my mind.

"I mean, Alice calls you Bella but all your articles are published by an Isabella Swan and that girl, she called you Izzie…so I was just wondering… Because I know you _used _to hate variations of your name…well you hated your actual name…but do you still go by Bella?"He sounded nervous now. And he had definitely anxiously rambled on and on. Like I had changed so much that even he didn't know me. I wanted to laugh. Again the urge overwhelmed me to kiss him senseless. He knew the very mechanics of my brain. It may have been five years but I still was closer to him than any other person on this planet.

"Yes Edward, its still Bella."

"Good. I always liked Bella." I didn't feel the need to question he was Edward. I didn't care. In my mind, no Eddie or Ed was going to change the little box of memories I'd locked away under the name Edward. To me, he was just Edward.

"You read my articles then?" He took another drag of his cigarette; I recognized it as his way to avoid questions, his way to bounce between nerves. His eyes flittered over the cars driving by. I wanted to grab his face and force him to look at me, force him to answer. But I feared if I did grab his face, my lips would involuntarily meet his.

Finally he sighed and in the voice I loved, the voice I missed, the voice I dreamed about, he answered. "Yes. Though I must say I preferred your articles at the gazette to your current paper."

"Edward, I haven't worked at the gazette for 18 months."

"Yeah, I know." The silence spoke volumes. He had been keeping an eye on my career. I felt sick, why hadn't I bothered to check what hospital he was at?

"So how's your residency?"

"Fine. Busy. Draining. I work at Sacre Coer so….Well it's exactly like we always said it would be." We. He still spoke in terms of 'we.' My heart leapt to my throat. I wanted to apologise to him for betraying him. I wanted to run away and hide; I wanted Jake to disappear just for the moment. A car tooted. Edward flinched up. He dropped his smoke to the pavement, his eyes lingering on it as he distinguished the tobacco. Finally he glanced up. His eyes met mine. My heart thumped. Fuck. Now or never.

"Edward, I want to say I'm sor-"

"EDDIE!"A lazy grin flickered over his face. Eddie? Who was Eddie? I gritted my teeth. Maybe I did care.

He waved at the car that was now tooting a rhythm. "I'm coming Tanya." I swallowed what I was going to say. I knew it. Tanya was the scraggy blonde from the shops. Tanya. Her name rolled over my tongue. Tanya. I felt like vomiting. "Bells, give me your phone for a sec." In a daze I handed it over. Our hands didn't touch. I desperately wanted to reach out and grab his hands. I wanted them to touch mine. He dialed a number and then smiled at me. "You now have my number….I'll see you round." Without another glance he scooted past me and out into the car park.

I watched the car drive by. He waved before tilting his head back and laughing at something Tanya was saying. God. Alice was so wrong. He hadn't come back for me. He was happy with Tanya and now I was screwed.

Because I had thought.

We.

Fuck.

I had entertained the idea.

**A/N: I know a cliché dream scene right? Well I figured it needed to be done. So I hope their meeting was everything you wanted! Hope your all thinking of the bushfires. I know I def. am. Salut. **


	5. ch5 Kill the Director

Chapter 5 – kill the director 

Jake came home on Thursday night. He was a bit down; he'd lost the account for some big client. I tried to make him cheery again, I made his favourite spaghetti bolognaise, I dressed up somewhat but it didn't seem to work. At half past eight, I sat behind my laptop attempting to write some sort of dribble to keep my journalism career alive. I had tried in vein since Saturday to forget about Edward. He was constantly on the fringe of my mind. At night, the dreams concerning him were becoming more and more vivid. I took to staying up later than Jake knowing his deep sleep would prevent him from hearing the sounds or the names I was sure I would subconsciously be moaning. At nine I gave up. Jake through a pillow at the TV at ten o'clock. Apparently he solved the case on some law and order show ten minutes in and they were taking to long to follow. I sighed. When Jake was in one of his moods, he lashed out at everything, even, that seemed detective Stabler.

He sat up suddenly. Scratching his ear he jumped to his feet.

"Ok. I've had enough; you're not working tomorrow are you?"

"Nup." Of course I'm not Jake. I have pretty much been fired. But I can't tell you. I am too scared to tell you and I have absolutely no idea why. I can't even tell you that Edward wasn't just some boyfriend, he was my ex fiancé and he is back in town. I can't tell you I saw him yesterday and became insanely jealous of some blonde tart he got into a car with. I can't tell you I know her name is Tanya and now the sound of that name makes my skin crawl. And you know what else Jake? I can't even tell you I love you.

"Good. I'm booking flights. We are going to forks tomorrow morning. We'll come back Sunday Arvo yes?" I grinned and kissed him. Spontaneous Jake always amused me.

Jake went to bed shortly after. His kisses lingered up my arm. He deepened them. Tanya's face flashed in front of me. I told him I wasn't in the mood. He shrugged it off. I sat in front of my laptop staring at the empty screen for another hour and a half. I didn't type anything. I couldn't. I felt sick.

It hurt to realise I was not biting back bile that rose when Jake smiled so cutely. I couldn't help myself. The cursor on the screen flashed and I couldn't help myself; I kept unconsciously comparing Edward with Jacob. Jake smiled cutely. Edward's crooked grin sent my heart into overdrive. Jake ate cereal for breakfast. Edward ate toast and a black coffee. Jake liked to have the TV on in the mornings, mindless morning television chatter. Edward always bought the paper. And he'd take the editorial out and fold it up in front of him. He knew it was my favourite part of the paper but he never ceased to tease me. He pretended, almost every morning to be absorbed in that specific part of the paper. Then he'd laugh when I'd strop to my seat and untuck the politics section he'd secretly been reading inside the editorial. Edward would hurry to choke down some coffee, munch on some toast before he flew out the door on his way to his rounds. While I would lounge around, usually in one of his t-shirts dead set on making him late. Some mornings I succeeded. Other times I'd failed. Edward would always smirk and rush out the door, he'd return a minute later saying he'd forgotten something; more often than not it was his keys, another chug of coffee, and a kiss goodbye for me or he'd cheekily by pass my lips and grab the paper.

Jake and I ate breakfast together. He crunched ever so slowly through his cereal. Each bite grating on my nerves. Even if we were running two hours late, as was the case to Alice's surprise brunch. Even then Jake had munched through his cereal at the slowest pace known to man kind.

Jake wore boots. Workman boots.

Edward wore doctor's shoes and Connies.

Jake always ordered for me.

Edward chose the take out but made me order.

Jake and I never fought, he'd crack it and I'd laugh at his 'angry voice.' When I was mad, I just became really sarcastic and he pretended not to notice.

Edward and I constantly jumped head first from one fight to the next. Jealousy and my insecurities were usually the causes. The thought to cheat on Edward had never ever crossed my mind. Nor had infidelity been on his cards. We were too in love with each other to cheat. I wasn't even tempted not once.

My initial thoughts of Edward left me fuming, because this ignorant, infuriating, arrogant, arsehole had presumed I split my coffee on him on purpsse.

Jake had taken time to grow on me.

Edward had been sexually experienced before me. I hadn't. So in that sense, he ruined me for everyone else because initially he wanted it to be special. But by the seventh month of our relationship we had become almost as sex crazed as Emmett and Rosaline.

Jake was only the fourth man I'd ever slept with. Two forgettable mistakes following Edward and my break had seen to number 2 and 3 man. Sex with Jake had complete passion on his behalf. No spontaneity. Always in bed. Not boring just normal.

Jake treasured me; like something he had always wanted.

Edward said I was his equal in every way possible. Though more than once he had stepped up to protect me.

Jake and I didn't discuss the future.

Edward had practically chosen the house we would raise our kids in.

I was happy with Jake.

My life had been completed when I met Edward.

Jake had stayed.

Edward had left.

I thought of all these comparisons while I sat staring at the blank screen.

I didn't know what the list meant.

I just knew I was making it. Calculating it.

Fuck. Nothing was going right.

***

Jake knew my father, Charlie well. His dad, Billy, was my fathers fishing buddy. The two lived in a small town and were the best of mates. I suppose they acted like rocks in their unstable lives in sight of both their failed marriages. Pretty much after my mum left my dad when I was young I had vivid memories of Billy and Charlie waking up at 4-30am to get fresh fish for us to eat. After I started dating Jake it became a sort of Friday night tradition. I loved every second of being back in my home town. Mum and I had left it when I was 13. I had hated living there, but with its picturesque views, homey feel and the time I spent with my dad caused me now, to treasure the random moments spent there.

Jake and I got in just after 10. Charlie and Billy were stoked to see us; Billy immediately grabbed his fishing rod complaining the best fish would already be caught. I had to call my dad at work. He was one of the eight police officers in the district. Jake and I walked around the town, basking I suppose in each others company. We talked about the most irrelevant stuff; mostly we hashed out forgotten memories and stories of how we grew up. Jake held my hand and for a moment all seemed well.

For lunch, we decided to raid my dad's mostly empty pantry and head down to the local beach. It was fairly cold but nice enough to sit and watch the ocean. Jake lay in the cold sand. His black shaggy hair in need of a haircut. I placed my head on his chest and listened to the slow and steady beat of his heart. He linked our hands. We talked some more. Like we were old friends. Like we had a past together. We didn't discuss three specific topics; my job, Edward or marriage. I was ecstatic. So fucking relaxed. This was what Jake meant to me; a chilled out afternoon on our favourite beach, sans pressure. I told Jake I never wanted to leave. He smiled in response.

We got back to the house after 5. Billy and I watched some TV together while Charlie and Jake had a talk in the kitchen. I think dad was trying to teach Jake how to clean and cut the fish, though it wasn't like Jake didn't know how. I left them to it. Saturday night I would be having tea just with Charlie, Jake had asked for a night just with his dad and I'd obliged. I loved diner with Charlie and was fairly excited about the following night. However the issue of where we were going to sleep interrupted my bliss, it was always awkward when we returned to Forks. It wasn't like our fathers didn't know we lived together but I suppose all the warnings of 'not under my roof,' had affected me. Edward was never allowed to sleep in my room when we'd visited Forks. So I'd just assumed with Jake. It didn't really come up till after diner.

We were all standing around in the kitchen attempting to dry all the dishes. Charlie flicked his tea towel and Jake.

"so Jakey, where are you sleeping tonight?"

I coughed. "Ha. Very funny dad."

"Bella, I'm serious." he gave me a glare. I returned it. I felt I was old enough now to share a bed with my boyfriend. I suppose the last time Jake and I had stayed in Forks was about six months ago; we hadn't been that bothered by separate beds. But now…something flickered in my mind.

"Well dad, seeing as Jake and I live together I presume we'd be sharing a bed."

"Oh yes. I forgot."

"Charlie, don't worry about it, I'll stay at my dads." The room went silent. Charlie nodded. Suddenly I needed the reassurance that we were a legitimate couple. I needed people to presume we'd share a bed, presume when you invited Bella, Jake would be coming. I needed the reassurance more than anything. It momentarily seized me and I froze in panic.

"No dad, Jake and I are old enough now."

"Of course I wasn't saying otherwi-"

"We've had sex dad."

Jake left out a loud sigh. "Jesus Bella." dad blushed. I held my ground. The panic was rising.

"We'll stay at Billy's. I'm sorry Charlie, Bella seems a bit…" he was trying to erase what I had said. Trying to make my dad happy. The panic was still there; didn't Jake see us as a couple that could go far? Was the reluctance on my behalf to talk about marriage really my fault? Was Jake just as unsure?

"Jake. Can we talk?" he heard the panic in my voice because even Charlie flinched as I spoke. Jake chose the worst opportunity to dismiss my noise, scratching his face like he had some sort of twitch, he just muttered later. I clenched my tears away. I threw my tea towel in the sink, grabbed the back door, slamming it shut, I stormed off. I needed to calm down. I needed to grasp the situation. Fuck. I had just told my father I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was sort of an unwritten rule. Don't tell your father stuff like that. In fact, according to Charlie if it wasn't essential, he didn't want to know anything about my relationships. That particular conversation had arisen with Edward's visit and I'd stuck to it. Until now. I didn't know why. I couldn't breathe. I wanted Jake to come running out of the house to find me. But that wasn't his style.

I didn't want to call Alice. She would be mortified at what I'd told Charlie. Petrified that I'd lost my mind. Besides, I would spend the whole conversation hoping she would talk about Edward. Because that was all I wanted to hear about. That was who I really wanted to speak to. My fingers shook as I scrolled to his name. I dialed it and felt like I was a fifteen year old giggling girl. Butterflies actually appeared in my stomach. I bit my lip and swayed between begging for him to 'please answer,' and 'voice mail, voice mail.'

On the third ring, I heard a groggy answer.

"Hello? Edward Masen." I let out a whoosh of air. I hadn't noticed I had been holding my breath.

"It's me." I sounded exceptionally small.

"Hey." It was deflated. I felt sick. Did he hope it was the fake blonde calling? That narsisstic stuck up Tanya? Did he think…did he know it was even me?

"It's Bella."

"I know that."

"Oh," I didn't know what to say. Shit it was after midnight. "Where are you? Are you busy?" fuck. Was that too intrusive for an ex-fiance? I didn't know the protocol and I sort of wished I'd called Alice instead. Edward probably thought I was some sort of stalkering ex. "I'm sorry for calling, I forgot it was so late. I hope your not doing anything too imp-"

"No, I'm in the on call room trying to get a bit of a nap." Fuck. I knew resident doctors barely got sleep and here I was wanting to keep him awake.

"Oh, sorry I don't mean to wake you up."

"Bella, its fine, long hours that's all…so what's up?" his breathing eased on the phone. My fingers clenched around the phone. I nervously glanced back towards the house. Was Jake coming? Was my dad? Did they even care where I was? Did they care what I was doing? Despite how I felt, a sense of 'take that Jake' laced my veins. I wondered how he would truly feel knowing I was telling my ex fiancé my deepest fears. I tried to shake the feeling away. It wasn't right. It was fucking spiteful but I couldn't help myself. I needed Edward to help. I wanted him to help me more than anyone. Because I knew he actually would do something. He'd listen and help me. Not mutter 'later' as a way to placate me.

"I don't know what to do."

"About?" I heard hope lace his tone and I hated myself for the way I was using him.

I sucked in another breathe. Could I tell him? Two weeks had gone past and Jake and Alice didn't know. Two weeks had come and gone and they hadn't even noticed. I got up in the morning and sat on my couch. I did the normal day by day things. No inspiration. Nothing new. No change.

"I…I don't really have a job…I'm on a forced holiday. Apparently my writing has become uninspired."

"Oh." That was why I'd told Edward. He knew how to react. He knew what I needed. None of the Alice fussing. None of the Jake screeches of 'you don't fucking need them anyways,' just an 'oh.' A sense of understanding. My breathing slowed.

"No one else knows." My words hung in the air. I could hear him thinking this through on the phone. He shuffled about; I pictured him pulling himself into a sitting position. For the briefest second I worried he wasn't alone. He cleared his throat. I knew that sound. He understood. I wanted to hug him. I heard an announcement in the background. Edward sighed into the phone.

"Bells, I'm being paged I have to go." The death grip on my phone tightened.

"Really?" god, who was this? A love struck mourning child? I sounded pathetic. Needy. Why? Because I fucking was.

"Bella, I don't mean anything by it. I'm glad you called. More than you realise I'm sure. But…maybe…shouldn't you…perhaps talk to Jake about this?" a thousand kilograms of defeat imprinted on my chest. I couldn't swallow.

"I know. I just…"

"I know Bells, but I'm not that guy anymore."

"What guy?"

"Don't worry about it. I have to go alright. I'm glad you called though." He hung up.

What the fuck did he mean? I felt sick. Was it the wrong thing to do? Did he mean he didn't want to hear what was upsetting me? Or was he referring to in a more general sense, Bella I'm not yours anymore? I'm some skanky girl called Tanya's lover boy. Is that what he meant? I almost called Alice just to ask.

***

Jake found me half an hour later. He bundled me up in his jacket and half carried me to his car.

"Bells, I'm sorry, I just don't think you should have told Charlie that."

"I know. Kiss me." I needed the reassurance. He grinned his little cute grin.

"Kiss me so I forget why we're fighting." The fight I had with Jake was minute; I knew exactly what fight I was trying to forget. I didn't care. I ignored the nagging feeling in my mind. I told myself I wasn't thinking of Edward. I wasn't. This was Jake. Focus Bella. I kissed him hard; my lips spread eager to taste him. He pushed back hard. I maneuvered around the gear stick in the front seat. I straddled him. He responded by dragging his hands down my body and resting them on my hips. I closed my eyes as he kissed along my neck. I was repeating a mantra in my head, 'Jake, Jake, Jake, Not Edward. Jake.' I felt guilty but I tried to push it aside as my hormones went into overdrive. My hands clung to his hair, pulling it closer to me. Jake groaned.

My heart sped up. It was getting hot in the car. I slowly unbuttoned Jake's shirt. He continued to kiss my neck, sucking softly on my collar bone. I arched at the sensation and tried to push myself closer. I wanted to feel him under my skin. I wanted to forget thoughts of anyone else. This was Jake. He was here. And I needed him to fuck me so I forgot about everything, so I forgot about _anyone _else. I lent in until my breasts were squished against his chest, we were both breathing heavily. My hands clawed at his skin, his limbs, his chest, trying to drag him closer.

He kissed me hungrily, keeping constant pressure on my mouth. He tilted his head, slowing, back and forth, trying to kiss me deeper. "Bella, I want you so badly." I smirked as I pulled my face away from his. He grabbed my head and pulled it back to his.

"Impatient are we?" He groaned in response. For the briefest of seconds I had a flashback to a different car. A different man. A different groan. I felt disgusted with myself. I couldn't do this. I couldn't…my body was split in two. Currently, the sex crazed Bella was winning, I detached myself from the brain. I lunged at Jake, deepening the kiss as much as I could. His hands dropped to my waist, his hands sneaked under my shirt, I pulled myself forward. His hands moved yet again, the skit I was wearing seemed more of a hindrance, his fingers dipped below my waist, coming to rest on the back of my thighs. I pressed myself tightly against him, my hips grazing his zipper, reveling in the feel of his hardness. His hands tightened, pulling me up against his body.

The roughness of his hands caused Goosebumps to prickle along my skin. I moaned quietly when he brushed the side of my breast. I felt him harden and I scooted forward on his lap. The sensations firing through my body were merely clouded by the want for Edward to be in this car not Jake. He pushed his hips into mine and we both groaned. Sex with Jake had always taken place in our beds, so I didn't understand why we were getting hot and heavy in a rental car out the front of my dad's place. I couldn't work it out in my mind.

"Jake, what are we doing?"

"What does it feel like we're doing?" he groaned.

"Out the front of my dad's?" I was gasping at this point, reeling in the feeling of Jake. I must have unconsciously shuffled because I heard Jake give a deep groan when his body slid more firmly in between my legs. The lower part of my body was burning for relief.

I drew in a shuttering breath. My back arched into his. I was so fucking close.

Jake pulled back. "Enough Bells."

"What?" his hands pushed my hips away from his. I craved for his fingers to drop.

"I can't do this here." I laughed and kissed him again, my body unconsciously almost thrusting into his. He pulled me back like I held some contagious illness. He shook his head back and forth. I tried to get my breath back. I tried to ignore the deep fear penetrating. Two rejections. Could I handle that?

"What?"

"It's not right. What if Charlie comes out right now?" He detached my legs. Humiliation caused me to scamper over the gear stick back into my seat. I wanted to laugh. What the fuck. Instead I almost started crying. Didn't he want me? Had he known for a few seconds I was thinking of Edward?

"Please tell me you're not crying Bells?" a few of my more silent sobs must have escaped from my eyes. Jesus I was strained. Going from a state of rejection to hyper aroused could not be good for my body. I almost laughed again, no going from rejection to arousal to rejection that was not good for me.

"Well I can't do that Jake…I get it though. You're not that guy either." I growled in anger. Why was I taking something _he'd _said to me out on Jake? It wasn't fair. God I hated how he messed me up. I came back to the present.

"What?"

"Don't worry."

"No, what do you mean?"

"I don't know." It was true. I had no fucking idea what it meant. "I'm going to stay at my dads tonight. Ill sees you in the morning though yes?"

"Ok….Bella are we fine?"

"Jake we…whatever we are…we're fine." It came out sarcastic.

"What are you talking about?" irritated Jake. Not a good move Bells. Keep it simple, he is not on the same wave length.

"What are we Jake?"

"Fooling around in the car?" I ignored his immature response. I wanted to scream. I needed to get some sort of fucking release. Mental or otherwise.

"And where is that going?"

He switched tactics. The seriousness of my voice startling him. "What's brought this on?"

"Nothing…I'm really tired….see ya tomorrow?"

"Yep. We'll talk then yea?" I nodded, very unsure if I wanted that talk.

"Night Jake."

"Night Bells."

I cried myself to sleep.

On Saturday, Jake and I wondered around our hometown until late afternoon. I made sure it was never just me and Jake. I didn't want us to return to the conversation of the previous night. During one such attempt, I was almost hit by a car sprinting across the traffic. I was on edge. Every time Jake clasped my hands I dropped his. I ran into a few people I recognized, I jumped headfirst into annoying over excited reunions. Jake knew something was up but he pretended to not notice. I got the chance to catch up with the rest of the Clearwater's. We told Leah's mum, Sue that we had taken Leah under our wing. She almost started crying when she heard that. Thanking us, she gave me a cake and wished us well. I ran to the supermarket to get supplies for diner with Charlie.

I told Jake I'd speak to him in the morning. He kissed me goodnight and I tried to smile. Fuck. Something was wrong with me. Charlie and I ate diner together Saturday night. I hoped my outburst from the night before wouldn't be a topic of conversation.

It wasn't.

Charlie had much more pressing matters to talk to me about.

I was a lot like Charlie. We both preferred time on our own. And we loved unquestionably. We, both, also had difficulties confronting things. We preferred to bottle the up until they spurted out. At the least expected moments. I called this word vomit. Charlie, I suppose had another word for it, but we definitely didn't discuss stuff like that.

"After that Edward fella, I didn't think I'd see you smile again…but Jake's made you happy right?"

It came from absolutely no where.

I had no warning.

Only my lame attempts to recover. I bit back the snarl I was ready to unleash at the callously mention of 'that Edward fella.' I nodded as I took a big bite of the pasta I had put together for diner. Eating had always allowed me to avoid questions.

And I had absolutely no idea where Charlie was going with this.

"Bella, Jake asked me something last night." I swallowed another bite. A chunk got caught in my throat and wouldn't dislodge. I gulped down half my glass of water. I had a fair idea now. Jake had asked Charlie a question regarding my happiness that made Charlie nervous. Fuck.

"He asked for my permission Bella." I nodded. I couldn't speak. Words wouldn't come out. Panic erupted. Proposal. Jake was going to propose. I felt every nerve ending in my body spring to attention. Why? Was it to do with what I had asked him last night? Was it because of Leah's delusional jokes last week? Why now? More importantly, what the hell would I say? Could I say yes? Even when I still thought of my children klutzy green eyed children? Even when I still couldn't tell Jake I loved him? Could I say yes? I pushed my plate away. I wasn't hungry anymore.

"I said I already thought of him as a son." Lost in my thoughts, I had forgotten Charlie was there. I flinched at the sound of his voice and slowly I realized what he had said.

"oh." I squeaked it out. Before taking another gulp of water.

"I just want to see you happy Bella." he sounded unsure now.

"Thanks dad."

"of course, he didn't ask as eloquently as Edward, he wasn't as nervous about what you'd say and…truth be told…Bells, he doesn't leave that goofy grin on your face like Edward did…but he's still here right?" I couldn't breathe. Charlie was too damn insightful. I felt my hands grip tightly onto the table. Wood chips bit into the skin under my nail. I wanted to say Edward is back. I think he came back to New York for me. But I had no words. I couldn't say anything. It seemed irrelevant anyhow. I shouldn't want to defend him. Edward was out of my life now.

I wanted to believe it.

"Bella, I'm only telling you because I need you to prepare. I didn't lie when I said Jake's like a son to me. And…I don't want to see him get hurt." I nodded. My hands loosened their grip. I jumped to my feet. I needed to get away. Get out of Charlie's attention. Be on my own. Think. Cry.

"I need to be alone for a bit."

"Sure sweetie...good night." My dad cleared his throat. And I gave him a half hearted grin.

"Night."

I crawled into my bed. I wanted to call Edward. I wanted to know what he meant last night. I wanted to cry to him. I wanted to get a reaction. Maybe some answers. Why the fuck was he here? What was I going to do about Jake?

Instead I called Alice.

And I cried on the phone for three hours. She tried to soothe me as much as this distance could allow. She tried to understand. But truly she couldn't. I was completely alone. Eventually I was coherent enough to talk. Coherent enough to explain what Edward had said. I could hear her moving around the house. Entering another room, the door clipped behind her. She said she had friends over. I didn't have the strength to ask who and she didn't offer. It reached half past eleven before I yawned. Alice suggested I sleep on it. I agreed. Before she hung up though she gave me one bit of advice that rang through my head for the rest of the night.

"Bells, you're referring to 'it' as the Jacob problem."

"And?"

"That alone is your answer." I was overcome with a melancholy feeling. She was right. The tears stopped for a second. But then I realized I was going to hurt his heart and I sobbed louder. I heard the door open. A rush of sounds. Alice pulling the phone away from her mouth, a covered "she's alright." a repeated question. It was a man's voice. He just wanted to know if I was alright. It wasn't jasper. I knew it was Edward and I cried harder. He was the 'friend.' It hurt that he cared. Alice hung up then, with a departing "Bells, I've got to go." I nodded despite knowing she couldn't see me.

And I drifted into an uneasy sleep, full of questions and the dread of knowing I still had to pretend nothing was wrong. Jake didn't know Charlie had told me. Charlie didn't know I'd practically had a breakdown over it. And Edward didn't know how I felt.

I didn't know how I truly felt.


	6. ch6 Dr Suzanne Mattox PHD

Chapter 6 – Dr. Suzanne Mattox PhD.

As soon as I'd fallen over one of Jake's boxes I knew from the sickening sound of my wrist that it was at least sprained. I also knew I couldn't just go to my normal doctor, these steel rods that I'd put in my arm from the last time I'd fractured my elbow would have moved. It meant I had to go to the hospital. Fuck. I couldn't drive with one hand. The swelling had started so I grabbed a pack of frozen peas from the fridge, as I gingerly lowered them to my wrist. I thought of Edward. He worked in a hospital. I hadn't heard from him in the past week. I hadn't seen him since he got in the car with that skanky fake blonde. Since I knew Jake was planning on proposing. Since I sat on tender hooks. Since I had called him. Since I knew he wasn't 'that guy,' whatever that meant. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to see him. It was a craving that seemed to coexist with fate, all I had to do was hope he was working today.

Hailing a taxi was difficult, I couldn't exactly wave my arm as I normally would have and there was no way I could whistle with two fingers like Alice. Finally after about ten minutes of me doing some sort of native dance, a cab pulled over.

"Thank you. Hospital please." The taxi drive glanced in the revision mirror at me. I lifted my arm a little to gesture. His face tightened as though he could feel my pain.

"So, miss, which one? Have you got private health care? Which hospital? What did you do? Do you want me to get you some more ice?" great, my cabbie was Mr. twenty questions.

Where had Edward said? Something catholic, I knew that. Something French as well. I'd be too bloody captivated by the way the cigarette rested on his bottom lip. Fuck the things he could do with that mouth. I shivered slightly, focus Bella. Wrist injury, focus, hospital. What was it? Great, recollection of Edward's mouth sent other flashbacks catapulting through my psyche. I had a moment thinking about when Edward had tucked me into his bed and helped me study for my French finals. His voice dropping octaves as he attempted to learn the different tenses, making him sound sexier if possible. It brought back unwanted feelings. Fuck. I didn't want to be thinking about the past when I knew I was going to see him. I was so confused. Sacre Coeur. Sacred heart. That's what he had said.

"Sacre Coeur thanks." The driver nodded and sped away.

I was nervous. Standing on the steps of the hospital with a sprained wrist and I was bloody nervous. Where about in the hospital did he work? What had I bothered to put on today? Was he even working? Taking a deep breath and cradling my wrist I entered. There was a big queue and I took an hour to fill out forms left handed while I waited in the emergency ward. I was going to wait no matter what. Memories flying over my head. The business of the hospital deterring me from the sprain I was certain I'd received tripping over that stupid box. Perhaps it was bad karma. Or fate telling me to either unpack or get rid of Jake's boxes.

I heard my name called. It wasn't Edward's voice. I tried to ignore the anxiety in my stomach. It was ridiculous that I felt as though my chance with Edward had fallen through my fingers because he had not called out my name. It was ridiculous that I had chosen this hospital because I knew he worked here. I had chosen this hospital so that I'd get a chance to see him. Especially when I had Jake at home, bending down ready to propose. This was a ridiculous idea. But I couldn't stop myself standing.

Again I heard my name called out. I snapped my head up, disappointment written over my features. And then I saw her. The flowing fake dyed hair. The tight clothes suffocated by a jacket. I sucked in a deep breathe. This Tanya smiled as she called out my name; it made her face ten times more beautiful. Quite suddenly I noticed what she was wearing, her doctors coat. I wanted to scream. Dam it. She was a doctor and she was attractive and she was blonde. I irrationally hated her. My arm prickled in pain, I knew I was trying to clench my fist but I couldn't because of how much it hurt. I wanted to see Edward. Again it was irrational. Just because he was a doctor in the city, at this hospital. It made no sense. But I didn't want to see her. I didn't want her blonde hair floating behind her. I didn't want her making him laugh, driving him around. I wanted to be his patient. I wanted to be close enough that I could smell him. I wanted him to leave kisses along my neck that made me laugh. I wanted to see him.

"Miss Swan?" her eyes zoned in on me over the file she was holding, I nodded but her eyes were glued to my fairly thick file. I almost blurted out, 'you're not Edward.' But I kept my cool. I held my tongue.

"Yes," shit. I only knew her as Tanya. What was her surname? Shit. I don't think I was even meant to know her first name. "Doctor?"

"I'm Doctor Denali." She sounded so fake. Like a bubblegum commercial, all sweetness and niceties. I wanted her to be a bitch; I wanted to find a reason outside my jealousy to hate her. "Follow me." I stood, cradling my arm. I decided that it was bit unprofessional not asking about my arm before she took me to an examination bed. I sighed though, maybe I was nit picking so I followed her white coat.

She walked with a sexy sway. It seemed highly inappropriate. It reminded me of a girl at a club.

She took me to a crowded hallway. A nurse leant out and grabbed Tanya's bony arm. They stood muttering to each other. I couldn't hear her. Irritation sparked; clearly I was her patient she shouldn't be standing around, discussing hospital gossip, while I'm here. I cleared my throat loudly. Irritation flickered over my face and Tanya spun around.

"Oh sorry Ms Swan, Jessica here was just filling me in on the details of your past x-rays." I felt myself go red. Shit. She had been concerned about me.

"Your wrist must be hurting…Did you want to have some pain killers? I am trying to decide the best way to plaster it without worrying about the metal rods…I may have to call a specialist and I know its just a sprain but I do believe with your history it's safer if I get plaster…maybe….I'll ask my superior to take a look. I guess, it would be much easier if t was just a big bandage? " her voice rose at the end. I tried to digest the amount of questions in her statement.

I didn't want more doctors to come. Especially if these doctors weren't Edward. Actually, the idea of more than one doctor crowding around me was bringing back my fear of hospitals. When I had been nineteen I had feinted, the sight of my own blood had caused me to kneel over in my own dormitory. I'd woken up in a hospital bed, unsure of where I was and why three doctors were leaning over me, I'd reacted. It had resulted in hysterics. Only the sound of Edward's voices had calmed me. I wanted him to do that now. My wrist was hurting and I knew my blood pressure was rising. Fuck. I was such a little cry baby. So I ignored her question. She looked perplexed for a moment. Startled that I didn't want to listen to what she was saying.

"Can I please speak to Dr. Masen?"

Her perfectly sculpted eyebrows rose, "Dr. Masen?"I wondered how she made them seem so symmetrical. Even with Alice's help, my eyebrows tended to be slightly lop sided.

"Yes. He's a…he's a friend and I would appreciate if I could get him to bandage my wrist."

"I'm sorry Ms. Swan; he doesn't work in emergencies…he works in oncology." I gasped. Edward no doubt was trying to find a cure for cancer. Suddenly, I wanted to know what type of cancer he studied. I wanted to know if he was trying to find a cure for what my mother had. I wanted to know. I needed to ask. I needed to see him.

"Can you please try and page him? Can't you just say Bella is asking for him?" I noticed my voice shook ever so slightly.

The nurse, who had been listening to the conversation, seemed to lean closer to me. An evil glint in her eye,

"Edward knows who you are?"

Confusion must have crossed over my face because the nurse lent back and crossed her arms. It was like I wasn't worth noticing. I nodded my head up and down slowly. I knew exactly why she was asking me that, I'm sure in this hospital Edward was seen as a god. He was ridiculously good looking; clearly he was smart, polite and caring. No wonder she questioned my acquaintance. She gave me another evil look before muttering "relative?" it was an accusation.

"No." silence.

"Then how do you know him?" what the hell was I meant to say? Thankfully, Tanya glared at her and the nurse dropped her arms.

"Jess please page Dr. Masen and tell him a Miss…" she glanced down at my paperwork and I hated it for it. She was acting like she didn't know my name. I felt sick at the thought. I, at least expected Edward to have mentioned me, I mean if he was spending this much time on my mind I wanted to know I was filling every second of his thoughts too. I felt deeply sickened by her ignorance; perhaps Edward hadn't mentioned me to her? Perhaps he never mentioned me. My wrist throbbed so I clenched my jaw in frustration.

"…Isabella Swan is down in the emergency ward and requests he be present." She nodded and skipped off, however she shot me a dirty look over her shoulder. What the hell was that girl's problem? Clearly by her own assessment I was no threat.

"Miss Swan if you want to come into this room and wait until Dr. Masen is present." I nodded. She ushered me into an examination room. She seemed to want to say something to me, I wanted her too, and I wanted a legitimate reason to hate her. She flicked her hair over her shoulder. Gahhh. Her fake blonde hair. She reached the door, her hand on the handle and with her back to me, her hair trailing over her doctor's coat she spoke quietly over her shoulder. "Bella…just be careful with him. "And then she was gone. I couldn't think straight. Fuck. She knew who I was. What had he said?

He arrived fifteen minutes later. He was irritated. Five years apart hadn't changed his facial expressions that much. My legs hung carelessly over the hospital bed. Edward came and stood next to me. His eyes darkened as I smiled back.

He was straight to the point. "Hello Bella."

"Edward." He gingerly touched my wrist. His hands were so cold on my skin. Again I smiled at how close he was standing to me. I had a million thoughts in my head that I wanted to ask him. Mostly they revolved around his occupation in oncology and what he had said during the phone call in Forks. What had he meant? But before I had a chance to open my mouth he snapped.

"And what Tanya couldn't do this?"

I sounded so small in response. "No."

"Why?" again the harsh tone. What was my reasoning? Because I needed to see he was really back? Because I wanted to inhale his scent? Because even for the briefest of seconds I wanted him to touch me? Because I missed him and need his voice to sooth my anxieties? Because I was freaking out about the idea of Jake proposing? Because I didn't understand what 'not being that guy,' meant? Or perhaps I could try the whole; what that skanky blonde who may or may not be your new girlfriend?

I answered in as much detail as I could. My tongue felt like it weighed a thousand kilograms. My mouth was dry. Jake's face didn't once flash across my eyes and this made me slightly guilty. "Because."

"Jesus Bella, I have a five year old upstairs having her first round of chemo and you dragged me away and I quote, "because."

"I'm sorry…you didn't have to come." I felt sick now. This was not going the way I had thought it would. Honestly, what had I expected? A warm reception. He had a five year old upstairs probably feeling a lot worse than I was and I was taking Edward away from him. His eyes didn't meet mine; they remained focused on bandaging my hand.

"Dam it Bella. You asked me too." He was quiet. I didn't respond straight away.

"Yeah well…you didn't have to come." It was said to confirm he came to New York for me. Not for Tanya. Not for Alice, but to win me back.

He sighed. "You asked me too." That wasn't an answer.

"I'm sorry."

"Fine... It's fine. I'll just wrap your wrist; call you a specialist and you're on your way."

"Did you study oncology because of my mum?" it slipped out before I had a chance to realise the words. Edward became rigid, his back straightened.

"No Bella. I studied oncology because I wanted to."

"You're really staying here aren't you?" again I wondered where my mind filter was. Edward sighed but continued on as though he hadn't heard me.

"I had already started studying it before you went to help your mother. Renee's cancer sort of spurred me on to study it but it was mostly my decision."

I tried again. "I didn't think you were going to come back." Again, he ignored me.

"I finished my specialist studies not even six months ago…can you believe it? So many years of my life and now I'm a fully fledged doctor."

He held the bandage on my wrist in place. He rummaged around in a draw with his other hand. I sighed feeling defeated. "Congratulations. I know its something you wanted." Finally, he lifted his head a little and gave me his crooked grin that I missed so much. My heart sped around my chest.

"What about you? What are you going to do now? Another paper? I mean you were writing your own columns. That's what you always wanted." But you know I don't have another job lined up. Why was he acting all nice? Did he really care?

"Yeah, I suppose." He nodded his head. Silence engulfed us. I bit my lip and waited. I knew he was going to actually speak his mind. Ask me what he needed to know.

"You love him?" It came out as a gasp, he held his breathe.

"What?" I knew what he'd asked. I just didn't know how to respond. I didn't know anymore. I just didn't know.

"You heard me." his eyes met mine. They dared me to tell him. They dared me to break his heart. I swallowed I couldn't, because I didn't know. I just…he had come back and I hadn't expected that.

"I suppose."

"Really?" he said it as another gasp, his voice slightly crumbling. I had to look away. Tears penetrated behind my eyes. I couldn't cry in front of him. I wouldn't. I sucked in as much air as I could. The room was suddenly constricting. My heart thumped ridiculously loudly in my chest.

"Yes. It's different though." Different to what we were. I wanted to explain. I needed him to understand. I didn't know if he still wanted a chance but I wanted him to know, he might have. He could get me back, if he wanted. I just didn't know.

"But you love him?" it was firmer now. He had been standing next to Alice Saturday night. He knew it was different. Why did he have to push? What did he want me to say?

"Not like how it was between us…we don't talk about a future. I just don't know what I am meant to say to you Edward. I didn't know you were coming back. I couldn't…I don't…I want...I… You heard how upset I was on Saturday night so I don't understand why you feel the need to push this topic. You don't answer my questions so why do you expect I have answers to yours?" my words were clouded by the overwhelming need to not cry in front of him. Not tarnish his chance with pain. My breathing was shallower. He sensed how I was feeling, he knew what I meant.

"Yeah I heard. I just expected you to be able to tell me something, you know after what I've done."

"And what exactly is that Edward? Because as far as I am concerned, what we have is a pile of mixed signals."

"Yep, you're right and I really, really, really don't want to go into this with you here ok?" his hand ran through his hair. I wondered if he would duck outside for a smoke before returning to his cancer patient. The idea was ludicrous, but he seemed so stressed.

I snapped. "Yeah. It's just the kind of thing you don't even talk about anymore."

"No Bella, I don't wish to discuss what is happening while I am at work. While I have patients I have to treat."

"Yeah sure. Why don't we brush it under the rug for another few months…should I wait until you and Tanya are fucking in the on call room before I bring it up again?" he gave me a look that infuriated me. It said. What the fuck are you talking about? I wanted to slap him.

"Grow up Isabella, you're not 19 anymore."

"Yeah, I sort of noticed. You know…time passing, me aging…all that." He expected me to have waited. I expected myself to have waited for him. But I hadn't heard from him and five years…feeling his body so close to me, was hurting my heart. I longed to touch him. Kiss him. Run my hands through his hair. I longed for him to hold me close.

He shrugged, his hand running over his hair, his nervous habit. He smiled, trying to change the subject. "So what are you going to do about your job?" I shrugged. He lifted my chin up so I had to look at him. He was trying to gauge my reaction.

"What are you going to do Bella?"

"I don't know. Last month I knew. I was going to publish. I was going to be somebody."

He pestered on. "And now?"

"It's all so confusing. All so everywhere."

"Yes and it can't help…I mean…I'm back."

"I can see." His eyes locked onto mine. Thankfully I was still sitting because it made the room spin around me. I sighed. He sighed. I wanted him to kiss me. His hand reached up and traced my jaw line. My heart thumped. I wanted to wrap my legs around him and bring him closer. I wanted him to act. He lent in close. My breathing became labored.

He whispered in my ear. He inhaled. "Hmmm. I have to go now."

"Already?" I was definitely out of breath. A ghost of a smile appeared on his face. He pulled back, sad.

"I have a five year old beginning her first round of chemo."

"I always seem to be catching you when you have to leave."

"Yeah, I've noticed."

"And when I want something from you." he shrugged it was true. He knew it. "And you're not that guy."The way I said it insinuated, I thought he didn't want to be anything in my life. His jaw locked. No answer. The wave of fear washed over me. I was still in love with him and he didn't give a flying fuck.

"I guess I better call Alice then." again, no response.

He was quiet. His eyes were closed. Another way to hide, he knew I could read his eyes like a frickin book. He sighed and whispered. I almost didn't catch every word. "I didn't mean it like that."

"Then how did you mean it?"

"Can I just call and explain after I finish work tonight?"

"Why can't you tell me now?"

"Because its fucking complicated. And I said I didn't want to go into this here...At my work."

"Nothing new there."

"Hey, be fair. You're the one who practically has a fiancé so excuse me because I need time to think."

"Hey it's fine, don't worry about me. How about I call you in a week? Is that enough time? It's not like I have anything to worry about. It's not like I have to live with Jake, hoping with every thing I have that he won't propose until I at least have this conversation with you. Hoping that I don't have to continue the pretence of his happy girlfriend, while I still love you." it was out of my mouth in one mass whoosh. Edward's hand froze in the air. He had been about to tuck my hair behind my ear. His hand started shaking. The words repeated in my head over and over. I still love you. I still love you. I still love you. I didn't even know how realistic sure I was. My heart was thumping. His eyes motionless, blinking, questioning. I jumped to my feet and rushed at the phone.

"How do you dial out? I need to call Alice." Autopilot switched on. For both of us.

"Dial 333 first…yeah, you can't drive home." He nodded. His arm was still half frozen in the air. I called Alice and asked her to hurry. The awkwardness in the room grew. Suffocating me. My heart didn't slow. I had told him. Fuck. I said I still loved him. Did I? I couldn't even tell. I needed fresh air. I couldn't breathe.

"She'll be here in ten minutes. I'll wait in the foyer."

"Yeah…ummm…ok…I have to get back upstairs. I guess I will speak to you later." I nodded. He took two steps. Stopped. Glanced at me. Shook his head and exited quickly. He didn't look back. If I'd followed him, I would have seen him walk down a different corridor. He wasn't going back to oncology straight away. I would have seen him walk into an empty doctor's lounge. I would have seen him lean his forehead against the wall before pushing off it like he was doing a push up. He would have looked at the wall once before punching it and leaving a deep indent in the plaster. But I didn't. So I felt crushed. Lost. Alone.

***

With my arm wrapped tightly in an Edward friendly bandage, the doors closed sharply behind me, I saw Alice waving widely from her car.

"Hello." I sat sulkily in the car.

"Well, aren't you just a ray of sunshine." Great. She was at her most chipper.

"Alice, please don't." I warned her. I didn't think I could explain yet. I didn't think I could deal with her questions.

"I thought it was a coincidence." She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel as we exited. I had no idea what she was even saying. My mind was running over every second of the conversation I had just had with Edward. Calculating how I could get out of it.

"What was?" I side glanced her. Her face caught mine for a second and then anger penetrated it. She let out an almost feral growl.

"Oh fuck. It's not."

My neck snapped my head around to hers. I cradled my wrist as I asked. "What are you talking about?"

"You knew he worked here didn't you?" My face stayed neutral.

"Who?" I tried to play dumb. Clearly it didn't work.

"And you spoke to him." Her eyes probed mine. No amount of lying would work but it was the only defense I had left.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Bella! I am not in the mood to play games with you and Edward. There is a lot more at stake now. Jake for one. So answer me, have you seen him?"

I sighed. "Yes I have."

"And you called him Friday night didn't you?"

"Yes. I first bumped into him a week ago…I was with Jake…. we exchanged numbers."

"Oh shit."

"I know."

"But you saw him and now it's all off your chest and you're really happy to go home to Jake and everything right?"

"There's more."

She snapped."Of course there is." Her sarcasm was grading on me. I didn't want to hear this from Alice. I didn't want to hear anything really. I needed to remember her to remind me that she was _my _support.

"I sprained my wrist Al. so I'm not hap-"

"Yes I know that Bella. But Edward factors in how?"

"I knew he worked here, so I stopped by."

"Jesus Bella. What about Jake?" we pulled up at a traffic light and it was like she didn't have the courage to look at me. Her eyes remained dead straight. I watched her hands drum another rhythm.

Silence. I took a breath. My heart hammered away. I needed to tell someone. I needed to get it off my chest. The silence in the car was suffocating me.

"I told him I loved him." she took in a long breathe. Her eyes trailed on the lights. Her foot hit the accelerator hard when it turned green. She didn't acknowledge what I had said. She didn't turn her head. She didn't even breathe in and out. No, she just held her breath.

Finally she exhaled. "Who? Please tell me it was Jake." I sat in silence. I didn't know what she even asked. She knew. She took a deep breathe before she confronted me. Her eyes locked onto mine. They were full of anger and confusion. "Fuck Bella, I don't think I can live through another Edward related melt down."

It wasn't what I expected. "Well thanks for the support Al. You can let me out here thank you."

"But we're four blocks from your house." Great, she wasn't finished. I knew Alice rants could go on for hours and I didn't have the patience. I knew I hadn't digested what I had told Edward yet. In the back of my mind, it wasn't happening. I wasn't that girl. I didn't tell old boyfriends I still loved them. I didn't think the relief that came with telling Edward that was normal. I couldn't grasp why I didn't feel guilty. Why I didn't feel as though I had betrayed Jake. I knew I should. Externally, I was furious that I could do something stupid. But internally, close to home, I was relieved.

"I'd like some time to think."

Her eyes returned to dead straight starring. "About what?"

"None of your business Alice. Just pull in here." later I suppose, I would cringe at the way I snapped at her. But not right now. Now I was annoyed that I couldn't deal with the rollercoaster of feelings. I still didn't know what I was thinking. I just blurted things out. I wanted to crawl up on my bed and lie, thinking things through. And only then did I want to face the world. Not now. I most definitely didn't want Alice to tell me her opinions. Her criticisms. I just wanted out. She pulled the car into the curb. She out the car in park, handbrake went on. The silence caused my tensions to rise. I was pissed off. I reached for the handle. She locked the doors. "Ali-"

"Bella, I don't think you should "think things" over right now. You can't expect me to be quiet about what you told Edward. Firstly you know I love him like a brother. Secondly, you also know I want you to be happy. And thirdly, I loved it when the two of you were together. In my mind it was perfect. But Bella, that was five years ago. And now its messier. You have Jake to consider before you run and jump head first into this. You live with him for fucks sake. Clearly there are feelings Bella, I just don't want you to do something you will seriously regret in another five years. Maybe, I know it hurts. Maybe...it wasn't meant to be like this."

I'd had enough. The tears that had built up ever since I tripped over that ridiculous box in the house threatened to spill. Home was the last place I wanted to go right now. I didn't want to be faced with Jake's things. I wanted my things. I wanted to think. I know I definitely did not want Alice warning me about meltdowns.

"You think I don't know all of this? Now unlock the frickin car." She didn't. Her eyes stayed starring at the road. Her voice softened though. I knew she was trying to work it out. Trying to help me.

"Bella, why do you put yourself in these situations?"

"I don't know."

"Is it only because he has come back suddenly? I mean did you ever think about him when he was gone? Is this like some sort of chance to relive a 'what if' moment of your life?"She actually sounded curious. I thought she knew me better than this. I thought she of all people would understand. I wasn't the same after he left.

"Al. you know me better than that."

"I thought I did! But then I hear you're sneaking around making phone calls to Edward when Jake doesn't know. That's not the Bella I love. Instead you're someone who is acting like Jake means nothing to you. "

"I don't know ok? I tried to forget Edward. You don't understand how hard it was. I know you saw me. But I was literally in pieces Alice. I was in pieces. My heart was broken. And I picked those pieces up. With your help and I tired to put them back together, I tried to fix what we'd broken. And they resembled something close to what I had. But pieces were lost and my heart was never truly healed. Alice, I never really got over him. I know that you could see it. It hurt me, knowing I wasn't whole again. And Jake made me think I was. Jake still does. But then I see Edward. I hear his name. And its like all the glue I'd used to keep my heart together means nothing. Its like the only thing I want is a chance to be with him because I know if that happens, I wont have to pretend. I need Edward to be whole alright? I just don't know to what capacity I need him in my life yet. I just…With Jake…its nothing compared to how I feel about Edward. He is like some school boy crush vs. soul mate bullshit.…"

"No, Bella. No matter what you think about Edward; Jake isn't just some crush you had. We had this conversation when you said you were thinking of moving in with him. You said, you saw yourself quite settled with him. You said, you were ready for this."

"And I was! But he has so many boxes and its scary… and then I saw Edward."

"Exactly. Maybe you're freaking out about what a big step this is with Jake and you're focusing on all the pressure placed on this relationship and you're comparing it with some utopian dream that your compacting into what Edward was."

"I don't think so. Feeling ill at the sight of Jake's things happened before I saw Edward again."

"Ok, I'm going to level with you. Bells, I have Edward at my house almost every day. He is out of his fucking mind. Stressing over every little thing you say to him, freaking out that your taking what he says the wrong way. He cant get his head around where you stand. And to be honesty; its really hurting _me _to see him like this alright? Worse still. Jake asked Charlie for permission to marry you, he wants to have a fucking future with you and you're still caught up on your ex. Do you get that Bella? Your not 19 anymore!" Great. Twice in one day. Of course I knew I wasn't 19. But I suppose I didn't really act like I was any older.

"Alice, I don't know what to say. I can't stop thinking about Edward. Sorry doesn't cover it, but if it did, I would apologise. I am horrible. I don't even care about Jake's feelings and its so fucking selfish. I cant stop myself from becoming scared that none of this will 'work out,' right and I know someone will get hurt and I just know, I don't want it to be me or Edward. But I don't know if I can trust these feelings and I'm freaking out because I cant stop thinking about how I want to smash that stupid fucking Tanya's face into some pavement and break that pretty nose…" She sighed loudly. So did I.

"And now you have to worry about Rose coming back to town."

"Great…she wants to kill me right?" Ahhh Rose I am sure still held a grudge with me.

"Yep. Em and her are arriving tomorrow…we're having a diner party on Friday if you're interested?"

"I better not."

"Why?"

"I don't think I want Jake to be near Edward…I am not even worried about them…. I just don't even know how I would react."

She nodded. Preoccupied I suppose like I was with visions of a punch on. God I was so selfish. "Yeah… I suppose…"

"I have a BBQ with Angela anyway so. I guess it's for the better right?"

"Yep...ok…I have to drop you off cos I need to get back to work…how's your wrist?"

"It's fine."

"Why did Edward patch it up, he doesn't handle emergencies?"

"I asked. There was no way I was having skanky Tanya infect me with some disease."

"Oh…Another reason you shouldn't come on Friday then." my stomach dropped.

"Please tell me she isn't going to be there?"

"Rose's suggestion."

"And what? He is analysing what I say to him? But he still manages to find a slut to have a relationship with? Some devotion… I mean, she is everything I am not. How could he do that to himself? To me? I think I'm going to be sick."

"I don't think it was his intention to make you jealous Bella…I mean…I suppose he expected you were in love with Jake." Alice snorted at the end. It was true. He had no idea. Well maybe he had some sort of idea now. The whole hospital visit, I'm sure cleared that up.

"I'll call you later. Don't think you're alone in this, Bells. I'm rooting for you, with every decision you make."

"Don't lie Alice. It doesn't suit you."

"Ok, fine. I want more than anything to see you back with Edward. He made you happy and angry and I loved it…but I like Jake too so…"

"You hate Jacob."

"No, I didn't hate…I just think Edward is better."

"So do I Alice, so do I." I jumped out of her car then. She looked perplexed. The window wound down and Alice leaned towards me.

"Call me later."

And then she was gone.


	7. ch7 Little Miss Pipedream

**A/N: I actually like this story soooo much more than any other ff (except for the train one) yet I get like a quarter of the reviews which is so depressing. Not because I want to be able to claim woot 300 reviews but because it makes me feel guilty that I spend so much time on this one and not say Always Unexpected or Naïve. Ignore my rant. Enjoy. **

Chapter 7 –Little Miss Pipedream

I was ignoring him. He knew it. I knew he knew. But couldn't help it. I'd spent the last two days making up stupid reasons as to why I couldn't be alone with him. They ranged from 'hair appointment,' to buying a birthday card for Charlie. His birthday was two whole months away. I actually joined an early morning yoga class just so that he would be gone by the time I came home. But no, finally we were alone together. Twilight zone, that's what it felt like. I was breaking up with him but I hadn't yet. I wasn't even sure I wanted to. I know it was too early to think of marriage. But did I really want Jake cut out without marriage? Would he even consider still dating me, if he knew I didn't want to marry him? I also hadn't heard from Edward. I checked my phone obsessively. Another reason for Jake to think something was up.

I was sitting on the couch during Angela's BBQ. It was close to midnight. I knew that because I'd spent the last three hours entertaining all of Angela's diner guests. She was nervous around a big group of people. Even if they were her and Ben's closest friends so I had taken it upon my shoulders, I had been the perfect co-host until the majority left. And then I'd sat down while I waited for everyone to leave so I could help Angela clean up. She knew something was up. She guessed as soon as I had walked in the house. Though, unlike Alice, Angela didn't corner me in one of the hallways. No she just patted my arm, squeezed my hand when she thought Jake wasn't looking. It was her way of telling me she was here. I was over it. The night I mean. I wanted out. I half thought about calling a cab and joining Rose and Emmett's diner party, but I knew that was stupid. I knew the real reason I wanted to go was to see Edward. I knew if I saw Tanya with him, I would physically break inside. So instead, I'd chucked the TV on. It was rude sure, but I wasn't in the mood. Plus, last diner party I had, Ang and Ben had spent the night watching some sports final on the TV in my bedroom. At one stage, I forgot they were there. Jake flopped beside me. Kicking his shoes off, his feet swung up to my lap.

Fucking word vomit. "I can't say yes."

Jake's eyes were glued to the TV. Another stupid law and order repeat. He was distracted. His head turned in my general direction but his eyes stayed focusing on Stabler's face. "In regards to?"

"Your proposal." His body stiffened. His eyes snapped to mine. I felt sick. He groaned. I used the remote to turn off the TV. I don't know why I brought this up now. It had been eating away at me sure. Bidding its time until I had to tell Jake no, on the night he truly did propose. Yet I had brought it up. I mentally berated myself, I was an idiot. Why, didn't I just wait, he might not ask for months. But Charlie's words rang in my ears; I deserved to tell him now. He deserved the truth. And my strange reaction to confrontation prevailed.

"Bloody Charlie… it's not the way I wanted to ask…using your dad I mean…. how very romantic." He almost seemed annoyed at himself. I swallowed the guilt.

I lifted his feet out of my lap. He sat up. "Don't ask me." I pleaded.

"Why not? I want to spend the rest of my life with you." his feet planted themselves on the ground, his torso shifting around to face me. I backed into the end of the couch as much as I could. The sofa restricting my get away. I hated how he was trying to get me to accept. He was forcing an answer. I hated it.

"Jake please." I knew what I wanted from Jake. It wasn't a husband. It wasn't a marriage. It was a friend. The weekend in Forks had taught me how much I appreciated him, how much he was my close friend. He wasn't a man I wanted to spend my life with.

"You don't though do you?" I remained silent. My throat felt scratchy. I didn't think this was actually happening. It was a bizarre reality. Not mine. I wanted to help. I lent out to touch his hand but Jake sprung to his feet.

"I can't stay here. I can't even believe your doing this here. Angela will be back in any second and you're choosing to... Maybe you should call Alice…. I can't take you home… you've been drinking so don't drive…I mean, I can't take you to "your" home. "

And he walked out. Just like that. I felt guilty. But I felt relieved. I didn't move. Tears fell and I wondered amidst the guilt and relief if I'd just made the worst decision of my life.

I found a half bottle of some drink that contained vodka. It was a bright green and sour. I gulped the bottle down, not feeling any affect of the alcohol it supposively held.

Angela found me at midnight. She sat next to me on the couch. She lent over and took the bottle away from me. I smiled. She smiled. The silence in the house was thick. Everyone else must have gone home.

"So, everyone's left yea?" she nodded. I nodded. I heard Ben in the kitchen cleaning up. "I was going to help clean up Ang, but do you think it's alright if I just skip out this once?"

"Bella, i have something to tell you."

"I guessed as much. I'm sorry Jake ran out like that. I just I-"

"I don't know what happened with Jake and I kind of… I don't want to know because this will only make it harder." I swallowed. Angela was fidgeting on the couch. Something was up. She had to tell me. God. It had to be work related.

"Work?"

"Yes. Bella, I'm sorry." her words seemed to not impact on me. I knew what she was about to say and I didn't care. It could have been the alcohol. It could have been I was expecting it. I didn't say anything though. I sat hunched over on the couch, waiting to hear my impending doom. She was breathing heavily.

"The editors want to give this new girl your job."

"Well fuck, Angela. You told me my job would be waiting for me."

"I didn't mean it quite so literally."

"Oh, I see. You tell me I have a job then you fire me… did you know when you forced me on a sabbatical?" my voice had risen now. I heard Ben stop what he was doing in the kitchen and his feet padded down the hallway to where we were sitting.

Angela was trying not to cry. I felt like a bitch but I didn't care. I had no job. No Jake.

"I threatened to leave but Ben and I want to start a family," I stood up, my hand waved her away. She grabbed my arm, her voice pleading with me, "Bella, you hated it there." I continued my dismissal; I gripped her wrist tightly and through it off me. Finally her voice broke. "Bella, I need the stability."

My eyes blazed at her. She shrunk back in her seat. "And I don't Angela? I just broke up with Jake. Edward is back. I have no fucking job. And to top it off, one of my best friends just fired me. "

Angela perked up. Her face dropped in shock. Her eyes opened up. Guilt washed over her features. "Bella, what happened with Jake?" I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to tell her. It was too new. Too real. My feet swayed a bit. Too much alcohol. But I felt sober. I wanted out. I needed out.

"It's none of your fucking business _boss._" God, I hope she knew I wasn't angry at her.

"Bella, I think its time you left." Ben's face was vivid. I had over stepped the boundary. Angela was trying her hardest to not cry. "It is not her choice to have you fired. She tried to keep your job bu-"

I spat my words out in his direction. I sounded fairly venomous. "Thanks for your wonderful advice Ben; I couldn't agree with you more. Goodbye."

His mouth was in a firm line. I knew he was protecting Angela, and I knew she deserved it. But at that moment, I wanted him to understand. I wanted someone to be standing there fighting my fight, asking what more I could have done. Had my writing really sucked since Jake moved in? Had I lost touch with what the editor's wanted? Did I really think this was Angela's fault?

I stormed out of the house. My destination unclear. I wanted to be at home. But I didn't want Jake here. And then my car wouldn't start. I ignored Jake's warnings. I was quite sober. Clearly. I giggled as I rummaged through my handbag. Shit. I had given Jake my wallet to hold. I had no money. No cards. No cash at my own place to pay the cabbie once we got there. Shit. I wasn't game enough to go back in and speak to Angela. Not after what she had just told me. Not after how I had reacted. My phone was burning a hole in my pocket. I focused on the keys and tried to call Jake. No answer. Of course not. He wasn't going to pick up after what I just told him. Perhaps it was the grog. Perhaps it was the need to hear him. But I called Edward.

Yet another late night call. Random too. It was becoming a habit. Maybe a new addiction. He answered on the third ring. He was scruffy on the phone. Yet again.

"Bella?"

I giggled. "Are you in the on call room?"

"No. I'm at home." He yawned. I put my hand over my mouth to stop yet another unplanned laugh.

"Oh...shhhhhhh Sorry, don't worry. Go back to sleep."

He didn't hang up. And I wasn't going to. I clutched the phone so tightly. I listened to my breathing, his breathing. He sighed. Perhaps he was waiting for me to hang up? "Bella? I'm awake now. What is it?"

I decided sober Bella was the best bet. "It's nothing. I'm sorry I called you. Did you have fun at Alice's diner with Tanya?" I shouted her name. He groaned.

He ignored my snarky comments. "What's the time?" I glanced at my dashboard.

"It's ten to one." He yawned. "Seriously Mr. Edward, go back to sleep. I will call the pixie. All is well."

He sighed again. I knew he was pinching the bridge of his nose. I fucking knew he was. "Why were you drinking tonight?"

I didn't want to talk about Jake. I didn't want to mention it. "Lost my job O-FISH-A-LY."

"Bells, I'm sorry."There was real concern in his voice.

"Fuck it…now go back to sleep I am sorry I called you."

"No, I am awake now….where are you?" he was being cautious. He yawned again and I smiled at how cute he sounded.

"My car broke down and I don't have my wallet on me." I sounded unsure of what I wanted. Perhaps I was unsure. Did I really want to see Edward? Did I want him to pick me up? Shouldn't I be worried about some sort of mourning time with Jake?

"Where is it?" I almost asked what. But I realized he meant my wallet.

"Jake has it and he left me." Edward swore loudly. I gripped the phone trying to hear if there was anyone else with him. I didn't hear squat. Remembering I had been drinking unleashed my inhabitations. "Are you alone Eddie? Has Tanya gone to her own bed without you?" he sighed. He knew I wasn't joking. He knew I was serious.

"Yes Bella I am all alone, yet again…where are you?" I grinned in the darkness. Inside my heart was doing a back flip.

"Oh no's, angry Edward tone." I grinned. God I was still an immature child.

"Bella? Tell me where you are and I'll come get you." I gave him Angela and Ben's address. He was roughly fifteen minutes from hers but the street was dark and it unsettled me.

"Can you please keep talking to me…until you get here?" my voice wobbled. Shit, I didn't want to hang up. Tears ran down my face. Was it fear? Jake? Rejection?

"Ok... are you alright?" I could hear him rummaging around. How could I answer?

"Umm not really. Angela had to tell me I don't have a job…she's my boss so..."I started crying now. "And Jake and I had this massive fight. Like massive and I don't know what we are anymore…Alice is ridiculously mad at me...I tried to down my sorrows but then Jake has my wallet and well my car broke down and then all I wanted was to hear your voice."

"I always told you that hunk of metal would conk it." I almost smiled. He was changing the subject. He knew I didn't want to talk about Jake while I was crying. Plus, it was true. Ever since Charlie had given my car to me, when he first met Edward, it had been some sort of bribe. 'It shows your independent now bells, you don't need anyone or anything,' subtle hint hey? It was rusty, red and solid; Edward scolded me saying it was not road worthy. He couldn't say it in front of my dad so he had taken to complaining about it when we were alone. I hadn't cared, it was the first real sign that my dad saw I was growing up. Though it was unsaid, this car means no engagement at 19.

"Shut up." I heard him chuckle and the hum of his car. I wondered if it was still the same Volvo from uni. I suppose I'd find out soon enough.

"With Jake how bad is it?" I heard hope in his voice. I cringed at how my own heart rate increased.

"Edward please."

"What Bella?" he feigned ignorance.

"Just don't."

"I would like to know what my chances are Bella." it was the first time he'd verbally alluded to wanting me back. I had never been unfaithful to Jake. But I was so aware of Edward, I was so used to it, it was real. Edward was seriously questioning those morals. I knew I was tempted. I knew I could sway. But something was holding me back, not just the desire to not treat Jake like that. But if I decided I definitely wanted to try it again. And if, a massive 'if' that happened anytime soon, it wouldn't be some crazed sex rebound in the back of my red pickup while I was half drunk.

Though I was entertaining the idea, quite vividly in my mind.

My silence wasn't calculating. I could hear Edward's deep breathes his response to questions he posed and was desperate to be answered. He knew he was pushing his luck. Had I been in the same situation I would ask. Hell I already had tonight. I knew he was alone. In his bed. Asleep. Not out sexing Tanya. I was hyperventilating. I didn't want these questions. I needed a friend. I knew he was more, but at the moment I didn't want that. I needed someone there.

"Edward, I think I can see your headlights. Now before I actually see you, one thing. Can you please be Edward the friend? Not Edward the lover or could be lover?" I rushed the end. That was all I could say, it was a big enough hint. I closed my phone as he pulled up. From the inside he opened the door.

"Hop in friend." I didn't miss the excitement in his voice. I just pretended to ignore it. It was a different Volvo. Still silver but newer. I rolled my eyes before I sat down. A shadow of a victory grin waltzed across his face. I shivered because of the butterflies flapping in my gut. I sighed. Out of the corner of my eye I was watching him. His lip quivered up in the corner. He so knew.

"Nice Pj's." he was wearing striped pants and a fitted white t-shirt. I expected him to be wearing slippers of some kind and I caught myself before I giggled about this. But no. he was wearing his Connies, hastily shoved on so that the laces were flicking back and forth over the break and accelerator. Who was I kidding, this was Edward driving, the shoe laces flicked on the accelerator alone.

"Thanks, I do believe Alice picked them out for me…something about someone loving the colour." with his eyes focusing on the road ahead, his smile widened. His Pj's were green. Damn him. Damn Alice. They both knew I loved him in green. It matched his eyes.

Silence washed over us. It was somewhat uneasy. Edward and I had always had this magnetic pull towards each other. Sitting next to him, in a confined space, in the dark was killing me. My leg was jiggling up and down with nerves. Every sense in my body was aware he was less than a meter away from me. My fingers were actually tingling. I craved to touch him. I longed to feel his hair under my hands. Longed to have him wrap his around my waist and pull me tight. Longed to hear the soft growl that he released when he was aroused. His teeth were clicking together and every few seconds he'd glance at me. The chattering of his teeth ceased after five minutes. It was like he realised it was him. I clasped my hands together and shoved them in my lap. Clasped together reminded me they couldn't run away. Some sort of classical music was coming from the radio but I couldn't tell you what it was. Not because I didn't know classical, but because it wasn't relevant to my sense of Edward. Edward's hands were moving between the steering wheel and his mouth. I watched him obsessively as he bit almost every nail to the quick. It wasn't something he normally did and I was confused. Then my knee would jiggle. He'd take a bite. I'd glance at him. His hands would reposition and tighten on the wheel. He'd glance at me. My knee jiggled. The cycle intensified. The buzz between us grew. I could almost hear it. The tension was fucking palpable. I wanted to get out a knife and slice it. The silence of no conversation wasn't helping either.

"I need to fucking touch you." he pierced the silence. His tone was harsh, blunt, husky, and fucking sexy. The words had been on the tip of my tongue. I snorted. A nervous response. Clearly I'd picked it up recently. He didn't know that. His brow furrowed.

"I'm sorry, that sounded…it wasn't what I meant." It took me a moment to work out how he'd though I'd interpreted it. A wave of pleasure spun to my core as I thought about the sexual innuendo.

"I knew what you meant."

"Please. It's fucking killing me." It sounded strange to hear his politeness come through when he was talking about touching me.

"Edward." It sounded like I was warning him. I didn't mean it like that.

"Seriously? Can't you feel it?" His tone changed, he sounded stressed. We were almost at my apartment now. I didn't remember giving him directions. My knee spasmed once, before I grabbed one of his hands of the wheel. Holding it in mine, I laid them in my lap.

My heart rate slowed.

I hadn't even noticed it was beating so fast. But now, its thumps actually hurt. It felt like it was jumping out of my chest. Cliché like. I almost asked doctor Edward to make sure it was alright but I knew he'd either laugh at my reaction to him or I'd have a heart attack as more of his touch would send my body into hyper drive.

"Thank you."

I realized he was referring to how I held his hand. I was shocked for a moment; he didn't know how much I was affected. He didn't know his touch had made my decision. There was no way I could have anything remotely romantic with Jake. I couldn't pretend. Not when the mere feeling of Edward capsized my emotions.

"It wasn't for you." I rubbed my thumb over his hand. He pulsed it, in response. Shadows from the streetlights covered his face and I couldn't see his expressions. With our cravings in check, easiness flowed back between us and Edward doing the ability to fill me in on the humourless stories from the hospital horrors. We pulled up outside my house just after 1-30. I didn't want to venture in my apartment alone. But I couldn't ask Edward up, Jake may have come back. Plus I felt I needed some kind of mourning. I may have made up my mind but Jake didn't know. I didn't want to hurt him. Because while knew it was the right thing, it would fucking cut me deep.

"Thank you Edward." He sighed. I gave his hand back. It strayed in this hair, attempting I suppose to tame it.

"No problem." I needed him to know. I wanted him to wait a bit longer for me. But I couldn't say something as childish as I choose you. I wasn't that naïve to think that would work. But he deserved to know. In a voice which sounded nothing like my own, I croaked out a cowardly

"Just give me a week." I walked away without a second glance back. I hoped he understood.


	8. ch8 School Uniforms

**A/N: I know this chapter is a bit dreary…but it needs to be written. Next chapter…heheheheehe…. Read this, review and I'll post it soon!**

**Oh and apparently Americans don't know what doona means…ummm it's blanket that you sleep under…I don't actually know what the American word for it is… cover?**

Chapter 8 - School Uniforms 

Edward called me at 6am the next day. I groaned as my phone pierced the quiet air. I answered but secretly I felt like a giddy high school girl. I loathed and desired the butterfly feelings.

"Good morning Bella." I knew he was smiling. It was written in his chipper voice. I on the other hand, attempted to hide my smile with a groan. I rolled over, the pillow suffocating my voice and my giddiness. Gah. I was pathetic.

"I said a week Edward." My voice was muffled.

"I know, but I needed to hear your voice this morning."

I sighed. Normally I would think this is sweet, but Edward had never ignored my pleas before. I had told him a week and now…."Why?"

"No reason." He answered too quickly. I knew him to well. There was a reason.

"Edward."

He sighed. I bit my lip. "I have a meeting with the head doctor at nine."

"Oh?" I tried to keep the worry out of my voice. I failed miserably.

"My temporary residency is up." I struggled to swallow the bile. What did that mean? I felt the dread pool in my stomach. He was going to leave? "Bella…Bella? Are you still there?"

"Yep…you're going back to Chicago?" he sighed loudly on the phone. I felt the contents of last nights green, sour, alcoholic drink wash over me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I love him and he is leaving. He doesn't want me. It was all a game. He just wanted me to break up with Jake so he could have the last word. Tears prickled my eyes.

"No. I'm not…." The relief was immediate. I felt foolish. I knew Edward and still thought that? God, how fucked up were my insecurities.

I blurted out my feelings. My words cutting off what he had been about to say. "Thank fuck." he chuckled on the other end of the phone.

"That was sort of the response I was hoping for."

I felt the need to fix my response. "Sorry, I just….I'm glad you're staying."

Silence. A long silence. "Me too." I took a deep breathe. He wanted me to need him. I was giddy with possibilities. I rolled over, my hand still gripping the pillow. At least now my voice wasn't as muffled.

"I'm glad that you are." I bit my lip. Did that sound too interested? This was all so new. The butterflies were in hypo drive. I felt sick, but a nervous, almost welcomed sick.

"You're glad that I'm glad that you're glad that I'm staying?" Sarcasm tainted his voice, it was something I missed. In response a sigh and a groan escaped from my mouth.

He had gotten it in one though. "I'm so bloody pathetic."

"No you're not…" he let me digest it. Words suddenly tumbled out of his mouth. Rushed, unfiltered. "And if you are you're not alone."

"Huh?" I didn't believe I could affect Edward. I had never believed it. Even when I had been 19. The ghost of my insecurities resurfaced though his last outburst churned these feelings.

"I've spent the entire morning staring at the clock watching the week tick over."

I rolled my eyes. So over dramatic. So typical Edward. "It's 6am Edward."

"I haven't slept since I dropped you off. Stuff like that keeps me awake, you know… that." He almost said, you know me. Fuck. He hadn't slept. He hadn't slept and he was a resident doctor. He should be spending all his time sleeping and regaining his strength for those ridiculous hours. Not thinking about what I had promised him. Not thinking about me.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It gave me a chance to read that horrid book of yours… " he chuckled. "Now that sounds pathetic."

I almost gasped. Oh my god. I flashed back to the book he was talking about. He had kept my copy. My heart ached in pain. My book was the last remaining item from our last serious fight. I threw my favourite book at his head. Then I had slammed my door shut. He had left the apartment shortly after. It was the night before I left, it was last time I saw him before the airport incident. He still had it. He still…fuck. "You spent this morning reading Wuthering Heights?"

"Yep. You claim it's this great love story so I thought….I figured….we can easily relate except I get a bit confused. Because Heathcliff and Cathy had this all conquering love but well she married Edgar and spent the majority of her life with him so I sort of don't know which one I'd rather be. The creepy, love struck stalker who sulks for the rest of the book or the husband who doesn't quite capture Cathy's heart entirely." I laughed. He was rambling about Heathcliff. He was delirious. He loved me. I wanted him.

"I'll solve it for you, I am Edward." I could practically hear him rolling his eyes on the phone. A loud snort interrupted my daydream. The infamous quote in the book, "I am Heathcliff," was forever imprinted on my mind like the lines from Austin's "Pride and Prejudice." Cathy claimed she loved Heathcliff because they shared the same soul. She loved Linton because he was different. Like Jake. Fuck Jake. I wanted to scream. The anxiety in my stomach changed somewhat. Jake and I were…what were we? In limbo. In after fight? In failed proposal. I needed to know. But with Edward on the phone I didn't care. I wanted this conversation to continue. I need it to.

"You are so lame." I wanted to laugh. I wanted to cry. He understood me.

"Shut up….We both knew, we'd over think this…I mean we are already comparing ourselves to one of the greatest love stories ever told." I mumbled the end part. I didn't want him to think of all the over analysing I had done last time I had read the book. When he hadn't even been in my state. when it had just been me and Jake.

His sarcasm came through. "Well you are... I just think Heathcliff is a jerk."

Silence. "Now I just feel foolish."

"Don't, it's cute." I immediately covered my mouth with my hand, girlish giggles slipped through my fingers though and I groaned.

"Oh god."

"What?" he sounded intrigued.

"I feel like I am thirteen again, I get butterflies and all giddy cos Edward Masen said I am cute." Another awkward silence. Shit. Had I overstepped the boundaries? Was this something I needed to have kept unsaid…was I returning to the comments of the old Bella and Edward? The one where we were in domestic bliss for roughly thirty seconds before another huge fight?

"Now you know how I feel all the time." Clearly not.

The pubescent feelings exploded inside me. "I never said I thought you were cute." Silence. Edward laughed. A deep laugh. I wish he was next to me. I wanted to read his eyes. I knew he would currently be rolling them like I was crazy. But cute. He had said I was cute. Again I giggled….I tried to hide it with a cough. But I knew there was no point. "You realise I just giggled?" Edward chuckled loudly and I felt just maybe I wasn't alone in this crazy feeling.

"I did hear it, yes."

I wish I could sound old. I wasn't 19 anymore. I had gotten older. I was mature. This relationship needed to be mature. "Well fuck. Can't we be all mature and shit? I mean I told you I love you."

"Yes true. And we have already had sex….more than once if memory serves me correctly." Yes that would be right; Mr. cocky Edward brings it back to the sex life we shared.

I ignored it. "So what is with the thirteen year old emotions?"

He put on his doctor voice. "Well, as I did take some psychology classes, I think it's because this is all new again."

"Meaning?" I was genuinely interested. I didn't care how lame it sounded. The idea that Edward had gained something from psychology while I had sat through it bored out of my mind interested me.

"Oh…I think well….we fear each others rejection."

"But I've told you I love you." what more did he fear? How could he expect to be rejected from that?

"Yes that didn't escape my attention…. I mean, did you see how my hand shook?" he didn't say it. Did I need to sound it out to him? I wanted to hear those words. I _needed _to hear it.

"And you still stay silent." He didn't answer straight away. I was almost worried. But I knew deep down I knew, he was thinking of a way to say it. A way that meant so much more than the three words I craved to hear him say.

"Well, what am I meant to say?" He almost sounded irritated. Perhaps I had fantasized about how I wanted Edward to respond. Perhaps he really was pissed. Why? Because I wanted to know how sure he was. Because I needed to calm my insecurities? "Do you want me to say, hey Bella, I left Chicago, I quit my job, I moved states, I took up smoking, I am taking a permanent post in this rainy city all because I love you and I need to be with you."

The breath I had unconsciously been holding was let out. "That's much better."

He laughed and I heard the joking Edward come out, I also knew this Edward was closely connected to the couple-y Edward that liked all those lame couple things. "That's all I get back?"

"Well you already know how I feel. Don't make me say it again its so…"

"Why? Because I am cheesy? Corny? Lame? You know that's how I roll…so I'm sorry but how do you feel about me?"

"I love you Edward Masen." it was a bit of a whisper. It seemed so real. So confirmed now.

"I didn't hear you." I rolled my eyes and raising my voice to match a loud conversation I shouted.

"I said, I fucking love you Edward Masen."

In hindsight, I heard the front door open. I heard the footsteps. But I wasn't paying attention to my external noises. I was too busy listening to Edward chuckle on the phone. I was too busy feeling giddy and excited because it was all true. He had come here for me.

And then reality caught up with me. Reality reared its ugly head.

I looked up and the past came crashing back.

Jacob's jaw was rigid. His eyes held untainted fury. His mouth was pressed into a sneered line. Edward was talking on the phone but I couldn't hear him anymore. I felt that stabbing pain of betrayal in my gut and I hated how it was me who had caused this. Jake continued to death stare. His eyes penetrating my thinly veiled attempts at being a loyal girlfriend. I swallowed and my saliva felt thick and heavy. I sensed Edward realised something was wrong because his voice stopped talking. I still didn't hear what he was saying. My breathing had increased so maybe he heard that? Jake's lips moved before I shook my head so I could actually hear what he was saying.

"Did you even wait five minutes?" he snarled the words. He was furious.

"Jake please let me exp-"

"No. not this time Bella. I can't even look at you. You make me feel fucking sick. You couldn't say it to me. I respected that, but we're not even broken up and you're telling your ex you still love him." his voice softened, "you can't even say that to me. You're on the phone to this fuc-"

"Jake please." My voice cracked. His hands held up in surrender. I knew it was his way of saying I give up. I wanted to cry and latch onto him. I heard my name being faintly shouted. Edward's voice.

"So, as soon as I left last night, do you call him?" what the fuck was I meant to say. I had called Edward.

"I tried your mobile first." I wanted to slap myself. I sounded like one of those women who claimed it wasn't you but me. This was more than that. I could see it in Jake's eyes. How fucking cruel was I?

"Thanks very kind of you Bella. Too bad I didn't even have one fucking missed call from you." My fingers itched on the phone. I wanted to show him my call log just to prove I had dialed his number. But I knew it wouldn't solve anything.

"Jake…I…please….not like this."

"Bella, I will make it very simple. It is over. We are not doing this anymore. I will move my stuff out. I will stay at Leah's. Hell, I will leave you alone. I wont even let whatever you do now affect me, including fucking that doctor." The bile resurfaced.

"Jake please." The anger on his face scared me. I had seen Jake get violent once before. The same red glint in his eyes and his body shook in the same way a by product of his feelings of betrayal and his anger. I cringed when he lifted his hand up. I thought he was going to slap me.

"You think I am going to hurt you?" I couldn't answer. I couldn't lie. Edward's voice ceased on the phone. "Trust me Bells; I would never intentionally hurt you. Even after what you've done."

"Jake I haven't don-"

"Shut up! I don't want to hear your pathetic excuses." I was rigid with fear. I didn't care what he said, I was still scared. Numb. This wasn't happening. This wasn't real. The tears tumbled down my cheeks. I bit the inside of my mouth to stop sobbing loudly. I deserved this. I had hurt him and this was his restoration. Jake's eyes calmed down enough that I felt safe, he continued to ramble on. "The beauty of this break up is I don't care what you have to say. Isabella, I saw my entire future with you. I loved you. He left, I was here. I knew. I fucking knew it wasn't 'just' some ex boyfriend of yours. He sucked the fucking life out of you…. He sucked out the love…even you're heart, it was all ripped from your chest…and I shook it back in….But I thought, if I held on long enough, if I didn't let you go then maybe, just maybe you would fall through his fingers, maybe you will grab onto me….. But you haven't…you didn't…your returning to that monster... I hope you realise you just made the biggest fucking mistake of your life." He was struggling to maintain the pretence of cool. And calm. I could see how riled up he was. The anger on his face. The fear. The sadness. I had caused that.

"Jake I-" His face hardened.

"I really, really, really don't want to hear it. Maybe you should answer him though, the precious boyfriend might start to get a bit worried soon." the tears started when the door slammed. When Jake left loudly.

When he walked out of my life for the last time as something more than a friend.

I heard Edward calling my name on the phone. I hung up. I couldn't deal with this now.

I crawled back into bed and closed my eyes. Ripping the doona over my body, I ignored what I presumed to be Edwards calls. I wrapped myself up like I was in a cocoon. I hugged my stomach bringing my legs to my chest. Please let it all go away. It hurts. Please, let it go away. Jake breaking up. It hurts. Edward returning. Please. The confusion. It all hurts too much.

Instead I had to endure the feelings.

I got some sick pleasure out of feeling so sick of myself. I deserved it. I had treated Jake like shit. I had lied to him. I had pretended I felt something else. I had hidden who I really was. I still felt the pain of Edward. The self hatred was combined with the guilt. Why didn't I fucking wait for Edward to come back? Why hadn't I returned to him? Why had I thought it was only his right to come find me?

And Jake's words. They stung. Did he honestly think I was cheating on him? I mean, physically cheating?

Jake's last bitter words triggered memories. I remember the first time Edward said he was my boyfriend.It seems such a simple thing now, but for days I had been agonizing over what we were_._

_Alice already liked him. She had claimed he was my lover boy and left it at that. Jasper liked him, but he had already known Edward. And I, in all my nineteen year old giddiness, was too afraid to ask Edward outright what we were. And then, one fateful day my parents had shown up unexpected. I had just finished my shower and was getting dressed. Edward in my bedroom, we had plans for the day and as usual I was running late. Alice was out getting a few groceries or something. I heard the doorbell ring. _

"_Edward, can you get that? Chances are Alice forgot her keys." _

"_Ok…and if its not?"_

"_I'll be out in a sec." I heard him mutter something before walking to the door. Even now I cringe when I think of Edward opening the door and coming face to face with Charlie and Renee. Later I found out they thought they were at the wrong address and even asked Edward that, he'd seen them in pictures so just shook his head, at a loss for words._

_As soon as I heard my mother's voice, I hastily pulled my jeans on, tripping over as I did. I face plated on the floor and just as I let out a loud, 'ouch.' Alice returned. She greeted my parents. I remember walking down the hallway when I heard it._

"_Oh, this? This is Edward, the boyfriend." My heart stopped. I hadn't told them yet. About him I mean. I hadn't known how to. I had never had a boyfriend before. I didn't know the protocol. I didn't know how they'd react. Fuck, I hadn't even known what words to say. _

_My mother's voice gained curiosity. "I thought you were dating Jasper?" Alice giggled. _

"_I am." My mother must have gestured to Edward because Alice let out a pearl of laughter. "Eww Edward? Gross, that's like my brother. " I just reached the edge of the lounge room and I could just see the back of Edward's head, his hand traveled through his scraggy hair, when it happened. _

"_Mr. and Mrs. Swan….I'm Bella's boyfriend." He sounded so formal that I had giggled. He spun around to face me then. His eyes showed how freaked out he was and I felt guilty that I had mocked him. _

"_What?" he raised his eyebrows? I ran and jumped on him._

It wasn't like that now. Jake had called Edward my boyfriend. He wasn't. I hated the world boyfriend. It sounded so juvenile. So simple. Edward and I were most definitely not simple. I loved him. He knew it. But I didn't know what I was to him.

**

Alice called me at 10am.

I actually answered my phone. She sounded like a whirlwind of emotions. She screeched at me. Told me to stop wallowing, grow some hind legs and then she reversed her response and promised she'd be over in ten minutes with a slab of chocolate and some chick flicks. Unfortunately she promised me she needed back ups; Angela and Rosalie were coming also. I hadn't apologized to Angela. I needed too. I couldn't. not now. As soon as Alice had hung up, my phone vibrated. Edward was calling me. His meeting must have been over. I didn't answer. My phone continuously vibrated until it fell off my bedside table. And then, because I couldn't hear it anymore I pretended he had stopped calling. I knew it was a lie. But I couldn't think of him. Not now.

I didn't get up when they rung the door bell. Instead I buried myself deeper into my doona. I pulled it further over my head. I heard Alice storm in though. I heard her order Angela to get me some coffee and I heard her tell Rosalie to come get me, she would be back in a second.

Of all the people she sent to come get me.

It had to be Rosalie.

Her feet gracefully entered my room. I peaked my head out of the doona for the quickest second. She saw me, her eyebrows rose and she lent against the doorframe. Her arms crossed over her chest. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail. Jeans hugged her curves. My phone vibrated again. I ducked back under my doona. I wasn't ready to face the world. I heard her launch herself at my phone. I didn't move.

"12 missed calls." Her voice was crisp. And exactly like how I remembered. A touch of superiority lingered in her words.

I shrugged my shoulders, she couldn't see. "Edward."

"He said he heard everything." I nodded. But she didn't see. The doona protected me.

"yes." the word felt sickly in my throat.

"He said it was brutal." Again I nodded. Tears clouded my vision. Rosalie ignored my sniffing. She knew I was crying. "He really, really, really wants to speak to you."

"I can't though. Not yet. It's not right."

"Fuck what's right. He came out here for you. Just fucking hear him out." She was right. Edward was mostly likely worried sick, how did he think I was responding. Underneath our playful banter before I heard him question my actions, he said we both feared the others rejection. Did he see this as my rejection? I just needed him to understand I chose him. But I hurt Jake. And I hurt myself. I needed him to wait for me now. Rosalie sighed. The phone started vibrating in her hand. She answered.

I wanted to slap her.

"Edward, it's me….Yes I am at her house….currently? well, she is being a hermit and wont move out from under some hideous blanket….no, I don't think…for fucks sake I heard you before…Don't you dare get snappy with me…I have had to put up with enough of her…I know. Edward its fine. I know…." I heard Rosalie's voice soften and I knew he was really worried now. She was putting her personal opinions of me aside in favour of calming him. This was not good. He was taking it as rejection.

With more courage that I thought I had, I pushed my hand out of the doona. The cold air flicked on my wrists. I shivered. I outstretched my palm. Rosalie didn't say a word but I felt the phone hit my palm. She walked out of the room. I held my palm to my ear.

"Rose, what if she changes her mind. I heard Jake before, he love-"

"Edward." He ceased talking.

"I'll be there in ten."

Silence. He didn't hang up. I didn't speak. He had heard what I needed in one word. He knew me.

Ten minutes later the front door opened. I heard mutterings. I heard Alice tell Edward not to come in. I heard her tell him, she knew what to do. She had done this before. I cringed when she snapped.

"You know, when you made her leave." Rosalie's voice overpowered Alice's then.

"Made her leave? You're joking right! She wanted him to come over to support her with Renee."

I could picture Alice's hands on her hips. I could see her attempting to gain height against Rosalie via her high heels. I knew she would be shooting death rays at Edward and I knew Angela would be huddled in the corner, she wouldn't know what to do. "And?"

"His parents just fucking died. And she said she needed him. Selfish little bit-" I wanted to hear why she hated me so much. I wanted to know. Rosalie always had. Here was her chance. But no. my knight in shining armour had to interrupt. Had to stop me from hearing.

Edward wasn't in the mood. I could tell from the tone of his voice. "Is she in her bed?"

"Yes. She won't come out." Angela sounded meek and timid. I felt sorry; I hadn't even apologized about how I yelled at her the other day. I wanted to but it wasn't the time. I had just broken Jakes heart.

Edward sighed. A muffled cry. The beginnings of a different argument. Silence. "Ok. You can all leave now. Thanks."

"Edw-"

"Rose, I appreciate how you're protecting me….Alice I admire how you want to help Bella, but right this second, I'm the only one she needs."

Silence.

His feet echoed in my room.

"Come on, move over." I shifted my legs. Edward slid in, his arms pulling me to his chest. His shirt was crisp. New. My head burrowing down into his neck. The sobs eased as I heard his heart beat drift me off to sleep.

***

I woke hours later, disorientated. Edward's body still squished into mine. His breathing was light, he was asleep then. I untucked his arms and slid over to the edge of the bed. I held the sheet to my mouth; I tried to muffle the sobs. Within seconds, his arms claimed me back as his. He pulled me towards him. "Shhh love, its ok." he let me cry into his side. He let me cry for a life I wouldn't get the chance to have. I had turned Jake away in favour of Edward. I had broken Jake's heart. I was crying for that. I was crying for my past. My silent sobs became raving cries, the curtains were drawn but I knew it was mid afternoon. Rays of light were haphazardly blinding my room through the narrow cracks of think wooden blinds. Alice raced in, her body pressed against mine within a second. Edward dragging the two of us into him. Eventually my cries silenced and I drifted off into an uneasy sleep between my best friend and the love of my life. No, it wasn't a sleep. But an uneasy haze.

I remembered the first time Edward told me how he felt.

_It was at my second real university party. Alice had conned me into going, something about a lack of social life if I remembered correctly. Jasper was going to be there and she had needed a wingman. However in less than two hours, I was left sitting on the couch while she was having the time of her life. _

_I remembered the music was pumping around me. I tried not to giggle as another person sat on the couch, virtually shoving me into Edward. He'd sat down right after me. I couldn't look at him. I only vaguely knew him from the run ins at the coffee shop. He had been so arrogant. But now he was growing on me. I still couldn't look at him without blushing though. Talking, pfft out of the question. Instead I clung to the cup in my hand. My fingers tracing the rim. I don't remember the exact song. I just knew it was loud. Something r'n' b like. Alice was wrapped around a very drunken Jasper. She was completely smashed and while I wasn't exactly sober I knew it was best if I kept my drinks to a minimum, even if it was just to keep an eye on her. My fingers continued to play anxiously with the cup. He adjusted his arm on the couch; I peaked out from the corner of my eye. He was sitting back slightly now. I bit my lip, Jesus Bella; I was ridiculously over sensitive to where he was. I wanted to speak to him just so the tension would go. But, even if I could have gotten up the nerve to talk to Edward, I doubt over the noise that he'd hear it. _

_He lent in close to my ear. His breathe causing my hair to tickle my chin._

_His voice leaked the words from my dreams. The ones I didn't believe._

"_Bella, I like you." he said it quickly and he sounded exactly like a first grader. I wanted to scream. Instead I blushed and bit my lip. I turned my head exceptionally fast. He, by this stage had lent back into the couch. His eyes flashing amusement as he took in the people dancing in front of us. The emotions on his face made me question if he had actually said those words. Perhaps I was hallucinating. But then his eyes opened and he looked at me. And I gasped because I saw it was true. _

_Alice threw up on my feet less than a minute later, ending the night. _

_I had wanted to tell him then. But I hadn't. It was another two weeks before I got up the nerve. _

_***_

When I woke for the second time Edward was slouched up. Alice was gone. He sat on my bed, his phone squished into his ear, his feet on the floor. One of his arms was bent back though, holding tightly to my hand. I lay still. I knew it was after light. I worried that Edward should have been at the hospital. Especially if he had just taken on a more permanent position. I worried that lives he needed to save were being sacrificed because Jake and I broke up. My eyes felt like they were drugged closed. The imprints of tears weighing them down.

Edward's voice was husky from sleep. "Tanya, it's not like that." My ears twitched. I tried to calm my now hyperventilating body. I didn't want him to know I was awake. "Fine, don't cover me, I will just have to ask Carlisle….." he sounded annoyed. I wanted to tell him to go but I couldn't. Not now. I selfishly needed him with me. I needed him to make sure I knew it was happening. His voice hissed in annoyance. "You think I don't know?" his hand dropped mine. The lack of contact from his skin caused a startled sound escape from my mouth. I hadn't meant it. I didn't want him to know I was awake. His shoulders tensed. "I have to go….yes I bloody well love her….I've told you this….ok….thank you…I will call you later…seriously Tanya? No… cheers…I have to go Tanya…I owe you." I drifted off, the uneasy haze questioning me, what exactly does he owe her now?

***

The sun was up when I once again woke. My eyes flicked open. Edward was resting against the backboard of my bed. My head on his stomach. His hands detangled my hair. Upon seeing my eyes open, a tight grimace appeared on his face.

"Bella are you sure?" I knew my voice was heavy with drained tears. My throat hoarse. My eyes swollen. My hands clung tightly to Edward's shirt. As he spoke my hands clutched tighter. I didn't move. I just blinked my eyes to look at him. His reflected back pain. I wanted to apologise. This was my fault. "You seem to be in a lot of pain." I needed him to understand. I had been worse. Much, much worse.

"Alice please." Fear cornered his eyes but he hid it well. He reached over and grabbed his phone. He dialed her number and mumbled a few words. I didn't hear them. My mind was too busy resting.

"She'll be here soon." I nodded and shuffled closer to him. His tear stained shirt crimpled in my grasp. He held onto me. I sighed and fell asleep. My dreams full of disfigured creatures and rainbow coated diamonds.

**

"Edward, you obviously don't understand at all."

"What do you mean Alice? I have spent the last three days here. She hasn't woken up for more than an hour. And the cries…I…don't…it's like every cell in her body is in pain." His voice shook at the end. Shit. I had been lying in bed for three days. I didn't feel hungry. I just felt drained. Emotionally drained. Had Edward been with me for the last three days? I couldn't remember. I had hazy moments where I was sure even Rosalie had sat beside me, holding my hand. But that couldn't be right. Had Edward ever left?

"Edward, I am her best friend. I know you love her. I know she loves you. But I am telling you this because you obviously don't understand. This…is one ten billionth of how she reacted five years ago." that was why I had called Alice. I needed him to understand. He had broken me. Jake had patched me up like a cardboard box with masking tape. That tape was now peeled off. And I needed Edward to fix it permenently. I needed him.

"Edward," Alice's voice softened. "She chose you ok. There is no need to worry about Jake." I couldn't open my eyes but I knew he was nodding.

"I put her in more pain than this." He sounded mortified. I wanted to scream. So I did the next best thing. I drifted off into another daze.

***

I finally opened my eyes some time later that afternoon. Edward was shuffling around in the room. His clothes ruffled from so many days in bed, so many hours hearing me cry.

I sat up, startling him.

"Hello." My voice was clogged with sleep and tears.

"Hey….how are you?"

"Fine now." I grinned at him. He grimaced back.

"Bells, I need you to know I am hundred percent in this. I love you. But I need to…Bella, are you sure?" I was sure. And I needed him to know. I nodded.

"Very sure." He nodded back once but didn't say anything. My hands twisted in my lap. I was suddenly nervous. Unsure of where this was going. "It wasn't just Jake I was crying over Edward… it was us. The past…I hung on for so long and….now that I want to start again…I needed to let go…ya know?"

"I'm giving you a week."

"But Edw-"

"You need a week Bells. Let me call you." he kissed my forehead and walked out of the room.

Seven whole days. I was worried my heart couldn't take it.


	9. ch9 Backfire at the Disco

**A/N: I am terrible at writing lemons. I just find it awkward to put into words. Alas I am sorry for my lame attempts. I really did try… in other news, there is a lot to digest in this chapter. I am sorry for that, as for the last chapter which many said they couldn't read. I'll pretend it was because it was so depressive not because my grammar is terrible. Ha! I'm sorry about that but it needed to be done. Did anyone pick up on the subtle jokes I made? Edward sucked the life out of Bella …ummm Jake "shook" life back into Bella. I find these ironic jokes exceptionally lame but alas I love putting them in. Enjoy this chapter. It's fairly complicated but I think it's my favourite…not only cos it is the best Wombats song. (in case you didn't know, Love, Loss &Desperation is the name of 'The Wombats' album and each chapter is a name of one of their songs…I wasn't exactly inspired by the entire album. But a lot of it was lovely. ****There are only a few more chapters left….**** So please review…Cheers. (Excuse mass A/N)**

**Disclaimer: I am not smeyer. **

Chapter 9 - Backfire at the Disco

I wasn't depressed strangely enough. I had a shower the next morning, following Edward's departure and then I went for a quick run. I tidied my appartment before Alice arrived with lunch.

Her smile was infectious as she glanced me up and down.

I had recovered quicker than she thought. Still we spend the remains of the day, watching daytime TV. Random shows. Nothing of consequence. Half way through a repeat of Seinfeld she screeched.

"Come on Bells, these are your last days being a single girl ever!" I grinned then. She was right. I didn't care about being single. But this was it. In a week, my life was starting again. He was back for good. I sat up in a haze. Alice dragged me out to some over priced food. We talked about her wedding to Jazz. I felt sick. Sick with guilt. I had barely done anything. At least Rose had taken over my job; otherwise I was in the running for the worst head bridesmaid ever. Alice didn't even comment when as I clutched onto my phone. Edward had said he would call and currently that meant my mobile was my newest accessory.

Halfway through diner, Alice eyed me excitedly.

"So I had this dream last night."

Alice's dreams were nothing new. She had claimed since the very night that I met her. "It's a true story Bella, I see the future in my dreams." I had rolled my eyes and nodded politely. According to her, Jasper wandered into her dreams three weeks before they actually met. I remembered her telling Edward and he thought she was high. I always enjoyed playing up to the cynics. I was still unsure of Alice's 'feelings,' sometimes the things she said came true. Other times they didn't, but I knew for a fact, she believed them so I was supportive. "Wow!"

"Shut up. Sarcasm isn't very becoming. So in my dream I was at a wedding."

"Well, considering you and Jasper are getting married in a month it's not that unexpe-"

"Oh no. I was like 6 months pregnant. And it wasn't my wedding." The Cheshire cat grin on her face grew.

"oh." I knew what she was talking about.

"Yes! It was Edward and your wedding. Oh my god Bella, it was so beautiful! Charlie gave you away…it was in some church in Forks. It was picture perfect. I can't wait!" She said it like it was happening next week, I was excited by her dream but not blinded by it. Edward and I weren't properly back together and here I was hearing about our wedding. I didn't want her to get her hopes up.

"Alice, it was a dream."

"Ha. You mark my words. I get pregnant. 6 months later. POW you and Edward will get married."

"Sure, sure. Let us actually get back together first alright?"

"So when is a week up?"

"Friday."

She was mad about the dream dismissal. "Well, I forbid you from seeing him until Saturday."

"Alice." I rolled my eyes. So overdramatic.

"I am serious Bella. You need seven days apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that jazz."

"I am seeing Edward, when I want, not when you dictate." I crossed my arms in front of my chest.

"If you go behind my back on this Bella, I am hurting you. I will trip you over or something…and you will be all plastered up…imagine how that would hinder your and Edward's festivities."

"Alice, I swear if you do anything!" I could see her doing it too. The evil little pixie had once purposefully put me in heels so that I tumbled down some stairs into some cute boys arms. Nothing had eventuated from it, but I knew what she was capable of.

"Bella, you see him before Saturday and I swear I will."

I grumbled, she knew I was forfeiting. "You're horrible. Why…you know how much I want this."

"a) You will want it sooooo much more on Saturday and b) I have the perfect dressed picked out for you but it is not available until Saturday."

"Fine."

"Yay!!!" we went home, I was officially depressed.

**

Tuesday.

Still no phone call from Edward. He had texted though to make sure I was ok. I replied instantly but was yet to hear from him again. Alice and I were flicking through gardening magazines, though she had already picked out her wedding bouquet, Alice wanted a backup one that was just as nice.

I felt like she was taking notes on what I liked. Though she hadn't mentioned her dream again. Just after my third magazine, she had merely commented that Green would be a nice colour for her and Rose's dresses. I asked her to change the subject. To anything else. She huffed a fine before turning and unleashing her puppy dog eyes on me.

"Bella, what are you going to do about Jake?"

I sighed. It was something that paralyzed me with guilt at night. We were friends. I had abandoned him. I felt the least I could do was call Charlie. Call Billy. Call someone, even if it wasn't directly Jake. "I don't know Alice…I feel I owe him some explanation but I cant…not this week…I am too excited about Edward and I…It wouldn't be fair to see him right now, not when I know he is in pain. Leah called the other day; she left a verbally assaulting message on my answering machine. I didn't call back…maybe in a few weeks."

"You will have to speak to him eventually."

"I know, I want to…we both need closure. But currently I'm watching clocks counting down until _Saturday _because that's just how I feel…if he asked…Al, it would crush him."

"I understand…so…what do you think of these flowers?" She held up what looked like a bouquet of red pokadotted ladybugs.

"Ummm no."

Wednesday. 

His name flashed across the caller ID and my heart started thumping in my chest. I ignored the visual of Alice's hands waving at me; her advice was to let the first time he called to go straight to voicemail. I couldn't deal with that though. I needed to speak to him.

It was three in the morning.

"Hello." I tried to sound seductive. But yet not eager. I couldn't have him think I was pining away all this time. due to the time, I just sounded sleepy.

"Hello. I needed to hear your voice." He was rushed; I could hear it in the way he spoke. I heard medical announcements in the background. Great he was calling me from the hospital. I wanted him to be home. So I could go around. Or he could come see me.

"I need you here." I had no voice filter. I wasn't awake yet.

"I can't Bella, you know this." I wanted to ask why. Was it because Jake and I had spoken since he had left my apartment? Was it because something was happening between him and Tanya? The thought made me feel queasy. Maybe he hadn't wanted the week for me, maybe he had needed it.

"Please." I whined. I sounded ridiculous.

"Don't beg."

"You never call me."

"I call you."

"This is the first time! You said I had to wait for you…. why do _I_ have to wait?"

"Because I am in the on call this week so it's easier than the torture of knowing I missed your calls."

"Oh ok." it was logical. I hoped his answer had illogical. Just so I had the power to call him three times a day.

"I actually called for a specific reason."

"Oh? Did Tanya give you an offer you couldn't refuse and you're leaving me?" I hoped he wouldn't hear the honesty in my voice. I wanted the curiosity gone. I was half serious. I didn't know the extent of their relationship. Hours of not hearing from him were making me crazy. I needed him to laugh. To tell me it was always me.

"Ahhh very funny…No. I have something very important to ask you."

"Yes?"

"I was wondering….Will you…did you…" I couldn't deal with his stuttering. I needed to know.

"Spit it out."

"Did you want to have dinner with me Saturday night?"

So not what I had been expecting. "Yes."

"Good. I'll pick you up at 7."

"Make it 6."

"Ok fine. I would ask you out on Friday but I have this function for work at a night club of all places…you can come to that too if you want?"

"I can't. Alice would literally kill me."

"Why?"

"She plans on us staying apart for a week. Something about distance and heart…"

"And of course you never do anything against Alice."

"You know her well."

"Good night Edward." He hung up. I screamed into my pillow. Three fucking days.

**

Thursday. 

I took a deep breathe. I couldn't call Angela. Too much shit had happened. I felt so guilty. I had been so mean. So stressed. It wasn't an excuse. I wanted to apologise. My hand actually shook as I dialed her house number.

Clearly she was either expecting me or she had caller ID. My name cut off any introduction I had planned.

"Oh Bella, I am so sorry if I had kno-"

"Stop."

"But Be-"

"Angela, No! I am the one that needs to apologise and then with you coming over last week in the midst of my breakdown…I can't thank you enough Angela."

"It's fine…I didn't even stay long. I filled up the kettle, Edward arrived and I left. Have you got another job?" I didn't explain how Edward had stayed for the rest of the week. I didn't want to tell her we were dating again. Not yet.

"No, not yet…but I need to think about exactly what I want to do before I leap straight into another career."

"Bells, you're a fantastic writer."

"Thanks….is there a chance we could catch up sometime this week for a coffee or something?"

"Bells, I am having a few friends around on Friday night…please, I would love it if you came." I couldn't say no. Plus, Alice would be happy that I had an excuse, not to see Edward. The threat of injury was clouding my judgment. I wanted to tell her to get stuffed. I wasn't five. She couldn't tell me who I was allowed to speak to. But then again, I had planned on participating in _action _with Edward for the rest of the weekend, with an injury; impossible.

**

He was drunk the second time he called. It was Thursdya night and I was going insane. I needed him.

"Belllllllllla"

"Edward, hello."

"Emmett made me go out tonight. I'm not doing anything stupid I swear! He wants me to have my last big night out before you." he reminded me of a young teenager calling his mum letting him know he would be home later. I wanted to laugh.

"Oh?" Edward had always been an exceptionally honest drunk. One sip of his jack Daniels and he'd be off on a tangent telling me anything I wanted to know. I hoped he hadn't changed in five years.

"Yes, I told Tanya to fuck off today."

"What?"

"Yes. I love you Bella and she doesn't understand. She's always there. And I said, Tanya listen Tanya fuck off." So there had been something between the two of them. That, or she was a persistent freak. I ignored the hyperventilating of my chest as I imagined them working in close quarters at the hospital. I didn't care that he was in oncology and she was in emergency. Ever rendez vous from Grey's anatomy was parading through my head, causing me to go insane.

"Oh?"

"She didn't like it. Not one bit. But I don't cheat Bella. I don't. And you don't…" he trailed off, in concern it sounded like.

I reassured him. Surely he knew that though. "No Edward I don't."

"Good. Because we are going to get married one day and I don't want secrets." Marriage? He was already thinking about marrying me? Wasn't that something the girl always did? The conversation with Alice about her dream suddenly haunted this drunken call.

I mumbled. "If you say so."

"But before then." Suddenly he was louder into the phone, as though he had cupped it in his hand; intend on spilling a secret in public, he was giving himself privacy on the phone. "Before then… we are going to fuck like there is no tomorrow right?"

I couldn't speak. Was I meant to respond? I wanted to scream yes Edward, yes. But would he remember? This was drunk Edward. Not sober responsible Edward.

"ahhh." I was most definitely ready for him to come over. I couldn't wait until a week was up. I wanted him now. Screw Alice and her threat.

"I still remember the sound Bella, that you make when you cu-"there was the sound of a scuffle. Edward's voice was drowned out.

"Edward? Edward….Edward are you there?" the arousal was laced with fear now. Where was he? What had happened? My heart raced for a different reason.

"Hello Bella, Emmett here. I think little Eddie has said enough tonight don't you?"

"Ahh….huh?" I was breathless. I couldn't speak. Too turned on to form proper words.

"He'll see you in two days Bells." Two days, brought me back to reality. I glanced at the clock, 3-30. Technically it was one and a half.

"Look after him Emmett."

"I will!"

Dial tone.

I called his home phone the next morning. At 11am. Early enough to tick him off but late enough so he couldn't complain that I was being mean.

"Morning Edward!"

"Bella, you're being too cheery."

"Oh am I being too loud?"

"Yes. I'm incredibly sorry about any phone calls I may have made last night. Emmett said I was talking to you for some time…."

"Yes, you did call me at about 3am."

"Jesus, I'm sorry… I wish I could see you tonight. This stupid work thing…and I have to be there until at least 10pm. I don't wannnnnnna gooooo." He moaned.

"Where is it?"

"I don't know something 'moon?" is their a sailor moon club? Its some doctors bucks night…I don't even want to go but I have to because "I'm new," pfft it is the worst thing in the world." He said 'I'm new,' with as much enthusiasm as a dying animal. I clutched onto the phone. I wondered if he was freaking out as much as I was. I wanted our 're-ununuion,' on Saturday to be done properly. That was why I wasn't currently lying on his bed next to him. I wanted 'us' to be perfect.

"Well, you are their only Chicago-ian…is it Chicago-ite? I was never good at that sort of thing."

"They just call me "Chicago," so I guess no doctors at Sacre Coeur know either….Wait, you sound off, last night…Shit. How honest was i? what did I say?" He graoned the last part. I giggled.

"Oh the usual, you hate Tanya, I hate Tanya, I hope you don't cheat….Ummm you proposed I guess?"

"Yea…sorry about that, clearly not meant to come out yet." I was distracted by the 'yet' he tagged on the end. My heart melted. A different sensation set in. one day, he would be mine. Forever. Feeling aroused at the thought I sighed, I wasn't going to see Edward until tomorrow. He was still chuckling. I decided to play with him.

"And then, you said before that, we will be fucking like no tomorrow." There was no response for a minute. Complete silence. I rolled my eyes. Stupid boy. "Edward?"

"Ahhh…I'm not sorry about saying that."

**

So here I was on Friday night. My mind consumed with thoughts of Edward. I was counting down the hours. My feet tapping the carpet in Angela's house. Kate, who I had met before was currently talking to me about some work project she was doing. I feigned interest. It was either listen to her drone on and one about an arciteture project of speak to Simon.

Simon thought he was god's gift to women. He reminded me of those weedy kids in high school. The ones who were fairly cute but copied other guys. The ones who joined sports teams just so they could say they played that sport. The guy who did his work but claimed higher marks than what he actually achieved. He was blonde. Short. And dressed cheaply. He was certainly no competition to Edward. He hadn't pretended he wasn't keen either. I felt sick everytime he dropped a suggestive taunt into our conversation. He was a friend of Ben's from work. Telling him I was a journalist, was the worst thing I could have possibly done. I had already spent twenty five minutes chatting to him, about his current thoughts on the War in Iraq. Clearly attempting to dazzle me with his knowledge, I barely held my amusement back, as he dictated almost ver batum the exact article I had been reading this morning. Thus I had moved on to Kate and her buildings.

However, all I could think was 22 hours to go.

The doorbell rang. Eager to get away from Simon and Kate, I rushed off to answer it. Ben following close behind to make the necessary introductions.

The door swung open.

My eyes went out of focus. The room spun a little. The fake smile planted on the fake blonde's face faulted at the sight of me. Her jaw tightened. I felt like was going to be sick.

"And this is Tanya…Bella, Tanya and Ang met at a class at the local gym and Tanya, Bella knows Ang from school…" he trailed off. I could barely speak. Tanya's eyes looked wounded. She looked fearful. I couldn't justify why. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a loose bun. I had never seen her looking so casual. So normal. Minimally made up.

"Tanya, are you alone?"She was speechless, stunned at the sight of me. She nodded. Ben shrugged, "I thought that guy…you know…was going to come toni-"

Her mouth twisted into a pout. "No. we're not together anymore."It was Edward. I couldn't breath. She was so crushed. I didn't want to hear it.

"But why? You seemed so hap-"

"I wasn't." I shuffled from one foot to another. My eyes taking in the ridiculous heels I was wearing. I wanted this conversation to be over as much as I knew she did. Maybe even the night. Her eyes met mine painfully before she looked away again.

Ben oblivious to this, continued. "Don't lie."

"Ben, please drop it." Her tone had dropped. It was threatening. I didn't know if she wanted me to interject. I remembered the way Edward had told her on the phone he loved me. I remember how he had told her to fuck off and leave him alone. I remembered how that had all happened because of me. So I stayed silent.

"What?" god, how had I never noticed how clueless Ben was before? "Tanya, what was his name again?" she looked at me. I counted the tiles on the floor. 12 in the entrance way. I wondered if that was a normal amount, I pretended that it held all my attention. I swallowed. Shit. It was setting in now. She had been with Edward. They had in a sense dated; well they had been together enough that her closest friends knew about him. Now she wasn't. I wondered if in some way, I was the scandalous 'other' woman. Angela suddenly leapt into our semi circle. Hugging Tanya, she picked up on the tenseness of the situation and changed the topic. I sighed with relief, for the moment, no one made the connection.

Then it happened.

We were eating the roast lamb. Tanya was sitting across from me. Angela and Ben at the heads. That man, Simon was sitting on my left and Kate sat next to Tanya. Tanya and Kate were discussing some work out routine with Ben and Angela, leaving Simon and I, to have awkward conversation. I wasn't paying much attention to what he was saying actually. Tanya had been shooting me glances every few seconds. I really wanted to have a quick conversation with her. I felt like apologizing.

Simon grabbed onto my arm and I averted all my attention to him. "So?" he gestured with his eyebrows. I swallowed the bile. He almost thought I was tempted. I reached for a sip of wine.

"No thanks. I'm taken." I felt a wave of relief cross over me. I took a bite of the lamb. It was perfectly cooked. I glanced at Angela eager to congratulate her on how well it tasted. But Simon chose that moment to lean in close to my ear.

"I don't see anyone around." Jesus, this guy was persistent. Startled, I coughed as the lamb caught in my throat. I gave him a polite smile but shook my head all the same.

His eyes questioned me more, probing for an answer. I was aware the conversation at the table had gone quite. I hoped no one else was listening to this exchange. The very idea that Tanya could possibly hear me bragging about Edward, while she was still recovering from what ever 'end' they had made me feel dirty. "I don't need him to follow me around. We trust each other."

"I'm a lawyer." I guess he expected my immediate swooning.

"And?" I was blunt. Sarcastic. I wanted Edward here to back me up. But at the same time Tanya was here.

He sighed and took a sip of his wine. "Usually makes the difference."

"He's a doctor. He wins." I smiled at him showing all my teeth.

"Bella! You didn't tell me you were dating a doctor! That's quick….what's his name? Maybe Tanya knows him. She works at Sacre Coeur…where does….?" I wanted to kill Ben. I wanted to literally jump to my feet and strangle him. Why did he have to listen to that particular detail? Why did he have to?

I couldn't answer. My mouth opened and closed like a god dam floundering fish.

I was either going to humiliate Tanya or myself. Deny Edward and save her modesty? Or celebrate her loss? I took a subtle sip of the wine. The minutes ticked over. Simon's eyes glared. Ben stared. Angela was looking back between me and her plate. Kate looked vaguely interested. I couldn't look at Tanya.

"Ummm…." I didn't say anything else. Why was everyone suddenly so interested? Ben and Ang knew the history with Edward; they knew he was a doctor. How could they not make the connection?

"Edward works with me." her voice cut into the heavy silence. I was almost thankful that she had chosen that option. She sighed loudly to get my attention. I looked up. She snarled. "I don't know why you try to hide it from me Bella."

"Tanya, its not that I just di-"Ben, finally sensed something was wrong.

He interjected, questioning Tanya.

"Edward, wasn't that the guy you were dating?" Ben gasped then, realising what was happening. He knew Edward, granted he thought he was still in Chicago, but still. Angela knew he was back. I had told her. Fuck, she had seen him at my house following Jake's breakup. How had she not made the connection? She knew how much I loved him.

It was so silent suddenly. I could hear crickets outside. Kate took a sip of her wine. Simon chewed his meat. I folded the napkin in my hands and whipped my mouth. It was time for me to leave.

I shoved my chair back. This wasn't going to get any better.

"Ang, Ben, thanks very much for the diner…I think its best if I go now."

Tanya laughed. I could hear how much hurt she was hiding. I needed to get out of there. Fast.

"Don't be silly Isabella. I'll leave. Help yourself to _my_ friends too if you want."

I felt like screaming; I was friends with them first. I had Edward first. I bit my lip.

"Tanya, stay." I hastily jumped to my feet before another of her sulky outbursts. And I waved as I left the diner from hell.

**

The club was packed. Alice was going to kill me. I didn't care. I needed to see him. I nervously wrung my hands in my lap as I sat at the bar. The name 'Sailor Moon,' hung in dingy lights over the bar. At least I had got the club right. Now I just needed to find a group of drunk doctors. The music was deafening. I looked around the room and didn't see anyone. I did a double shot of tequila. I needed that. Not because I was an alcoholic. But because, it was just setting in, Edward had dated Tanya.

I felt the alcohol hit me just as I felt him.

The air around me grew hazy. I felt like I was starved. My skin broke out in Goosebumps. It was finally happening. After 5 long years. He was mine again. I turned my head slightly and grinned. He stood less than a meter away. His eyes burning with the same _need _I felt. His mouth sliding up into my favourite crooked grin. It was so typically Edward. I bounced in my seat. Eager to touch. Eager to start.

This was it.

My life was re-starting five years after it faulted.

"Hello Isabella." The sound of my name on his lips broke my body into shivering convulsions. I struggled to maintain my cool.

"Edward." His eyes lit up.

I no longer gave a fuck about Tanya. I didn't care about the repercussions of my actions. About how Alice would skin me alive for seeing him before the date. I could feel the alcohol thrilling my body. But it was nothing on the feeling of Edward so close. Time passed. We just stared at each other. His hands pulling my stool into him. His legs slotting between mine. The music echoing around us. I remembered how he said; he was expected to stay until at least 10.00. I glanced at the watch on his wrist. My mouth salivated at the muscles on his arms. 9-45. in itself he was a buzz. I craved Edward. He obviously did too. His hands hadn't stopped touching me since I'd first spotted him. It was slowly driving me crazy.

He downed another drink and held out his hand to me. I had never seen anything sexier.

Alice was going to kill me.

I smirked up at his through my lashes as I took his hand. It was soft in mine. Perfect. Right. He pulled me close to his body, walking me in front of him. His arms reflexively wrapping themselves around me, holding me into his body. I felt every muscle contract as I walked. My senses were heightened. I pushed the lower half of my body into his. I heard a growl in his throat. He gestured towards the hallway; the exit was at the end of it.

I turned around to face him when he placed a sloppy kiss near my ear.

A coy smile smirked along his lip.

"I've missed you." I knew he wasn't referring to my presence. He pulled me into him, lovingly. I pulled back before I slammed my body against him, hoping he understood. I had fucking missed him. My fingers left a trail along his strong jaw line. I swallowed back the need as his jaw clenched under me. His eyes tightly pressed closed. When he opened them, I watched as they filled with undulated lust. His adams apple bobbing in his throat. I blinked once. Then twice. I licked it. His throat stilled against my tongue. I wanted to laugh. He was having difficulties swallowing. I was actually affecting him.

Edward pushed me backwards, my adrenaline kicking in moments after the action. His strong body pressed against mine. He left a lingering kiss on my lips. His teeth grazed my shoulder, almost piercing the flesh. I roughly grabbed his face and pulled it up to mine. My mouth attacked his. I tried to deepen it but he pulled back. Shaking his head, his hands clasped mine, pulling them up over my head. Locking them there.

I couldn't move.  
"Wwwhat are you doing?" I didn't recognize my voice. Edward apparently did. His mouth flirted up into a cocky smile. I glanced up the hallway. No one was leaving at this time of the night. The entrance was on the other side of the room. It was deserted. I blushed. Fuck. In public? His head lent towards me, his lips ghosting my own before he placed soft kisses along my cheek. My body literally melted under his control as he kissed behind my ear. And suddenly he was back in control. He walked us backwards until the wall pressed behind me. I was pressed hard against it. He was caging me in. His mouth close to my ear, his breathe heavy, sporadic, needy, heated. His voice prickled my skin. The arousal consuming his voice caused my knees to buckle. My own body betraying me, shaking with built up desire. His words piercing my body to the core. I felt my chest heave in anticipation. _We needed to get out of here fast._

"Did Jake know you cum the loudest when pressed against the wall, fucking?"

Time stopped.

Fucking hell. Every sound around me ceased to exist.

The need welled between my legs. Excitement sparked my core.

All I could hear was the crisp growl of Edward's voice. And then I attacked. My lips bit into his, I could taste the bitterness of his blood on my tongue. I needed this. He growled. I couldn't breathe. I knew what he was doing. My fingers speared into his hair, possessively claiming it as mine. The need to have him was scratched on my flesh. Ingrained in me. Animalistic. The same need the same possessiveness that sparked from jealousy. He was mine. I was his. He needed to know. Jake hadn't understood this need. My head snapped to his face. The wall he'd pressed me against was suddenly not strong enough to keep me up. His eyes consuming me. I licked my bottom lip clean, sucking up his blood. Our eyes did not sway from each others. His hips flexed towards me. I struggled to keep the build up of saliva down my throat. He dropped his hands from mine and my arms flopped to my sides. They were like heavy weights; I was too aroused to focus on controlling them. He chuckled close to my ear. His scent washed with the smell of cigarettes and cheap whiskey. Fuck. Public. One of his arms, curved around supporting me against the now unstable wall. My heels clenched into the ground.

A wave of nervousness overtook my arousal. Was I ready for this? Were we ready for this? Edward kissed my collarbone. And technically I slid down the wall, the chuckle I loved escaped from his lips as he pulled me back up, I felt his arousal. I let out a deep moan as he allowed me to finally deepen our kiss. My hands, now working wound themselves into his hair. His hands roaming along my back. His delicate fingers playing my body with the skill of a musician. My legs shuffled together and I became aware of the tension building in my stomach. We needed to get out of here. Now. The heat between my legs increased until I needed something, _anything_ creating tension. I placed my now, shaking hands on Edward's hips, pulling him closer, with a questionable smile on his face, he diverted his legs from being pressed between mine. We struggled for a moment as I tried to regain the upper hand. He shook his head from side to side, the universal gesture for no, and my eyes never leaving his. I saw in his eyes the lust building, I wanted Edward to lose control, and I _needed _him too. I could taste him on my tongue, I could feel the spark of his hands on me, I could almost fucking taste the need to have him in me. My breathing fluctuated, his chest now pressed against mine, flexing my back into the wall. I groaned loudly when my core came in contact with his wallet in his pocket. Fuck, I thought, I'm getting off on a wallet. Edward Masen's wallet. But still, a wallet.

Edward's eyebrows rose as though I had spoken the words. I licked my lips. His eyes dropped to gaze at them. I remembered how he said he loved my lips. Loved the way they swelled after he kissed me. He loved what they could do. What I had done with my lips to him. He was reminiscing as well, because the green in his eyes darkened. I licked the side of his neck. He shivered under me. The heat between my legs growing. Fuck. I was controlling him again. I sucked on his neck, his hands roaming under my shirt. Taking as much as I could into my lungs, I kissed a trail up to his own ear, I could feel the thump of his pulse under my tongue, and I could feel my own heart jumping about wildly in my own chest. My breathless voice whimpered in his ear,

"Did Tanya know you like to be in control?"

**A/N: Thoughts?**


End file.
